Setting Markers and Learning to play sports in real life

        As I am putting together my thoughts this morning, I am trying to figure out the best analogy for what I am wanting to get across.  There have been many times over the years where the depression was just so bad that I wanted to quit "The Game".  Fail as it were.

        Growing up I participated in many sports: little league baseball, high jump in track, football in my sophomore year of high school, springboard diving in high school, ballroom dancing in high school and my first year in college.  I enjoyed most of these sports.  My two favorite were springboard diving(nearly state champion) and ballroom dancing.

        With each of these sports I learned to fail.  I learned to press on.  I learned to practice.  I learned to set standards that would need to be met in order to move forward.  In diving, when I needed to learn to do a 2 1/2 somersault in the pike position, it took many failed attempts.  It took many times hitting the water in such a way as to slap the skin and cause great pain.  When I learned to do the front 2 1/2 somersault in the pike position, I got to where I could do it without thinking or without fear of coming up short and hurting myself as I entered the water.

        In each of these sports, as we progress, we grow in our knowledge of the sport.  We learn that as we press forward, we are expanding our abilities, and we are enjoying what we are choosing to do with our lives.

        You might be asking yourself, how does this all relate to veterans and those who suffer from mental disorders and depression and where I am at today?  

SETTING MARKERS

        Markers are something I began to use many years ago when I realized that medications were not going to work for me; having been through far too many depression medications.  I began to set markers.  After my incident with the semi-truck mentioned in my first post, and the incident where I sat with a shotgun for an hour or two trying to figure out which would be the least painful way of taking my life for my family, I started using what I refer to as markers.  

        Without markers, every day I would want to take my life.  it was a very hard struggle.  Everyday I opted to not end my life, I felt a failure.  I did not look forward to the next day.  I would take medication for sleep, but I did not want to sleep.  Sleeping meant that I would wake up to the reality that I was facing yet another day I did not want to live through.  This cycle continued for a few years. Then, internally within myself, I started using "Markers".  While waiting for a marker to arrive, I put aside thoughts and plans of taking my life.  I try to concentrate on those around me and what I can do to help.  The marker gives me the ability to pass the haunting terrors of suicide on until the marker arrives.  Then I set another marker.

        For example, a few years ago I was going to turn 50.  I did not want to live beyond 50.  I did not want to be around and have grandchildren know who I am and then choose suicide leaving the family without a husband, father or grandfather.  To be a grandfather would be one more burden I did not want to have hanging over my head as I tried to find a way to commit suicide.  

        So I set a "Marker".  My wife and I choose to visit the island of Kauai for our 28th anniversary and my 50th birthday.   Coming home from that vacation was my marker.  I felt it was the least I could do to give my beautiful wife one awesome vacation that she could look back on and cherish once I took my life.  

        It was a beautiful vacation. We sat on the beach.  We did nothing.  We took a helicopter tour of the island.  We took a boating expedition around to the uninhabited portion of the island. It was a wonderful vacation.  But I planned on taking my life a week or so after we returned.   I failed.  I choose not to take my life. I then set a marker that would take me up to the birth of my first grandchild that was only 1 1/2 months away.  

        What I didn't realize until just recently, was that I am doing the same thing I did when I participated in sports.  When I was high jumping in elementary school and Jr. High school, no one had jumped over 5'10" as a sixth grader.  So I tried, failed, tried, failed. Until one day I made 5'10".  I was 5'6".  On track and field day, I actually made 6'0" on my last try.  Without the failures I would never have made the 6' jump.  

        I have set many "markers".  I spoke to a veteran this past week who promised me he would try to be safe until we have a chance to get together and meet in person.  I then explained my marker method.  As I look back at life now, I am amazed at the marker process.  I felt I was failing my family every step of the way.  

        What I was/have been doing is giving them a life with me in it.  I have not always been in the best of moods.  I have not always been in the best of health. But with each marker I extend my life.  During that "next marker" I try to enjoy the things I do.  As with the Hawaii vacation.  That is a vacation that I will always cherish.  I am glad I failed to commit suicide after the vacation. I am glad I set another maker, and another, and another.  

       Now I am adding new markers.  My newest has been getting back into the arts.  I used to love painting, drawing and creating artwork.  I am now getting back into art.  I am taking a painting class in December and another in January.  I am learning new drawing technics.  I anticipate learning painting technics that will help rejuvenate my love for the arts.  

        I hope this has helped you to realize that setting markers through your life and choosing to live until the next marker, then setting a new one will help you.  It really is no different than practicing sports.  We can get through the negative markers.  We can start setting positive ones.  Life can open up new dimensions we have not felt yet.  And we are not failing by setting markers.  We are failing at taking our own lives.  Which is a great thing to fail at.  I know!!!

BUT....

We are succeeding.  

We are giving time to our wives.  

We are giving time to family. 

We are giving time to those we love and those who love us.  

WE ARE SUCCEEDING!!!

        I honestly pray that by my sharing my thoughts and struggles with the many who read the blogs I post, that there will those who will gain a new perspective on their depression, PTSD, TBI, and the many other invisible illnesses that veterans suffer with.  

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

But there will be times when we set markers and do not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.

Seek the positive. 

Live for the positive. 

It will come. 

You can feel it. 

Set your first marker today!

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org