Have you ever done something. Finished it. Then looked back on it and all you can see are the mistakes, the imperfections, and the faults in what you see, looking backwards.
Let's take this painting I did as an example. When I finished it all I could see were the mistakes I made. I only have vision in my left eye. I am 90% blind in my right eye. I have no depth perception. I wear a patch on my glasses to keep the "light" from interfering with my left eye and causing headaches. So at times when delicate brush strokes are needed, it can be quite difficult with no depth perception. So I see my mistakes. I followed the artist Wilson Bickford's "How to Paint a Mono Chromatic Lighthouse". I made a ton of mistakes.
I can tell where I missed lining in the lighthouse. I can see where I did not get quite enough depth in the fields leading up to the lighthouse. I can see where the bird in the fog is a little big for how far back it is in the painting. I can see how I didn't get the brush stoke placed properly for the light coming out of the top. It took me a couple of days to finish this painting with all the mistakes I made. I could go on about more mistakes that I think I made.
However, when I posted it online for family and friends to see, I was shocked at how many people "liked" my painting. A couple of my friends are teachers in this type of painting. They loved my version of this painting. Many commented on how cool it was that I added a bi-plane into the fog. People saw a great painting and told me how much potential I must have. Some thought I have been painting for a while. Little do they know that this is only my fourth actual oil painting.
A couple of weeks ago, I was asked for some thoughts on a lesson one of my family members was going to give on the following Sunday. The topic was about doing our best and can we "overshoot" the mark in church service. After a little thought I sent him the following text:
Only one person "overshot" the mark. Christ. Without his mercy and love we can not make it back to our Heavenly Father's kingdom. We can only do our best with the life we have. Christ's salvation is what covers the gap between good, better, best. We all need our Saviors love and salvation to compensate for lack of hitting the mark. Too many times in Christian culture, good is not good enough, better is still missing the mark, best always has room for improvement. When in reality our Savior is what brings us to the "mark". Regardless of where we are in our effort to hit the mark, we fall short. It was Heavenly Father's plan that Christ make up the difference with His crucifixion. In many of the churches I would attend bible study on Wednesday night during my mission, they taught we all make it to heaven by Christ's grace regardless of our good, better, best. The pastor would make it to heaven with a life of service. The drunk who just stopped drinking and now praises God then dies gets the same heaven the pastor gets. Christ's love covers that gap. Yes our service to others helps us and others. Being better helps us and others. But being who we are and believing in Christ's grace and mercy is what saves us in the end.What I suggested to my family member was that we should not look at what we do wrong. We should look forward. Looking back only shows us our mistakes and faults. Looking forward gives us hope of doing better. Looking forward gives us a reason and purpose to move forward. Like with my paintings. I love to try to put my thoughts and pictures onto canvas and paper whether with painting, colored pencils or just graphite pencils.
Those of us who have mental illnesses tend to look at what has been. Looking backward at our mistakes. Focusing on the what has been. Similar to my seeing all the mistakes I made on the painting above and the other pictures I have put up this page. I could use those mistakes as an excuse to not try any more. Painting and drawing are something I enjoy doing.
Whether or not you believe in Christ, we need to find a way to look forward. We need to find a way to replace the "mistakes" with thoughts and beliefs that will help us move forward.
As I have thought about what to write this past month, all I could think about were the bad things that have happened with my life.
Do I think about the 79 medical procedures that I have been through and the terrible health I have.
Or, do I think about the beauty of my family and the marvelous blessing it is to have a wife, 5 kids, 2 son-in-laws, and almost 3 grandchildren.
Do I think about the depression and the suicidal thoughts and plans I have most days.
Or, do I think about holding my wife's hand and enjoying time with our children and grandchildren.
Do I think about all the mistakes I made on only the fourth painting I have done and never paint again.
Or, do I look forward to spending another day with paints or pencils and creating something that many will think was done by someone with a bunch of talent.
I have been amazed the past week as I have contemplated the painting mistakes and the way others view my painting. It is the same with life. I meditate each day. I try to not think about the past, or about the depression. I can not make the bad thoughts and mistakes go away. But I can refocus through prayer, meditation and contemplation and move my thoughts back to good things. I can think about all the praises I received on my painting. I can, if I choose.
Do I look at the mistakes in these pictures. Or, do I look at the cool way in which I was able to blend colors and patterns so that actual birds can be seen flying.
The choice is OURS!
I honestly pray that by sharing my thoughts and struggles with the many who read my blog posts, that there will be those who will gain a new perspective on their depression, PTSD, TBI, and the many other invisible illnesses that veterans suffer with.
There will be peaceful times.
There will be hard times.
There will be times we set markers and do not give in to suicide.
I know.
I have felt the pain of not going through with it.
I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.
I have lived both.
I currently live both.
I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.
Seek the positive.
Live for the positive.
It will come.
You can feel it.
Set another marker today!
National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255
Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org
For reference here is the WPBS link to Wilson Bickford's painting show. http://watch.wpbstv.org/program/wpbs/episodes/
