Happy Thanksgiving!!
I have had many thoughts swinging around my mind. I have been able to be around family over the past week. I am thankful for my family. If you have read my previous posts you will know that I have chosen to fail at attempting suicide. Because I have failed, I have the God-given privilege of being a husband, a father 5 times and a "Papa" 2 times.
I am very grateful for a wife that has stayed with me for 30 years now. I won't go into all the events of my first post. Let's just say I am very grateful for her love. I hope she knows I love her with all my heart, even if I don't show it or say "I Love You". Veterans who suffer from PTSD or TBI or Depression, often have a hard time showing any emotion after they separate from the military. Many active duty members also have similar issues with regards to emotions; especially after returning home from war.
I am very grateful for my 5 children. Being a father is a great blessing. I love my children very much. I can not imagine a world without them. I can not imagine a world without my lovely wife. Being a grandpa is also something I could not imagine being, but again, I can not imagine a world without my two grand sons. I have many other family and friends. I have had the opportunity to become friends with many through social media.
So as I sat down and enjoyed a meal with family at Thanksgiving, many people came to mind. Those who surrounded me. Those I love. Those I like. Those I have never met. Those I have never spoken to. A veteran family who is having a hard time with depression and having to move across the country. A family who has a great burden to bear on November 26th of each year. A man who beats me at times with the game "Words with Friends". A friend who beats me at times with the game "Angry Birds with Friends". I could go on but I think you get the idea.
Most of those mentioned are people and families who know someone who has chosen suicide. Some have been able to help those suffering. One I know made a simple phone call one day to a veteran friend just to say hello. A few months later, the second veteran admitted to the one who made the call, that he was sitting on the side of his bed with a gun, about to take his life when his phone rang. The veteran did not go through with his suicide because one simple person made a random phone call to talk with an old friend.
Why do I bring these things up you might ask?
I have and continue to fight suicide. I do receive therapy at the VA. Some of my best therapy comes from the friends I have met and those around me. To some this may sound morbid, but I find great strength in helping others who have lost a loved one to suicide. When I become friends with families and individuals, I learn the pain and loss they experience.
My heart went out to a family on thanksgiving and the day before. I consider them very close friends even though we have never met. They lost a son on November 26th a couple years ago. They still have unanswered questions, pain, and the hurt that a parent carries when a child precedes them in death. Thanksgiving time is a time of pain and suffering for them.
I ask myself, can I leave my family with those feelings and pain?
I have become friends with a veteran who returned to his family after being deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan. The trauma he experienced cause him to start drinking which lead to the loss of his marriage and some prison time. He considered suicide. Realizing that there can and is more to life, he chose a new path for his life and he is now helping fellow veterans.
Again, I ask myself, could I leave my family with those feelings and pain or can I fight and though this and find a way to help others?
That is why the reference to the Prairie. For those who suffer with suicide and other issues that lead up to suicide, they often travel a long weary road that is empty and without emotion. They feel that no one knows or understands what they are going through. My friend who placed a simple phone call did not know for a few months that he had saved a life. It gets very lonely for those who travel this way. I know.
I can not imagine a world with losing my spouse to suicide.
I can not imagine a world where I lose a child to suicide.
I can not imagine a world where my parent has committed suicide.
However....
I can imagine a world where I call a veteran friend.
I can imagine a world where I help others deal with suicide.
I can imagine a world where I be a friend to someone who has lost a spouse.
I can imagine a world where I become friends with families who have lost someone to suicide.
As I wrote this post this morning, I have been watching a movie. The Lone Survivor with Mark Wahlberg. As I watched and have been writing, I have thought about Marcus Luttrell and the valor he exhibits each and every day. With all he has been through, the final quote of the movie brought me to tears. (even though I usually refer to it as an allergic reaction when I tear up during a military movie)
"Brave men fought and died building a proud tradition and fear of reputation that I am bound to uphold.
I died up on that mountain.
There is no question that a part of me will forever be upon that mountain dead as my brothers died.
There is a part of me that lived because of my brothers.
Because of them I am still alive,
and I can never forget that no matter how much it hurts,
or how dark it gets or how far you fall -
You are NEVER out of the fight!"
Mark Wahlberg as former Navy SEAL Marcus Luttrell, ‘Lone Survivor.’
There will be peaceful times.
There will be hard times.
I have felt the pain of not going through with it.
I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.
I have lived both.
I currently live both.
I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.
You are NEVER out of the fight!
National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255
Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org
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