A Beginning

originally posted in Nov 2014

My name is David.

This account is from November 2012.  

I awoke one morning wishing to take my own life. I was due to show up at a hotel and help a fellow motorcycle rider through portions of the state I live in. I weighed the decision to meet with this young man who was riding across the nation to bring awareness to the issue of “SOLDIER SUICIDES”. I decided to meet up. We rode through beautiful mountain ranges. He asked me if I would be willing to share my trials, struggles, and victories with others. I am, to this day, very grateful I choose to get up and ride.

But then, when is a day on your Harley Davidson ever a bad day?

I am a disabled Navy Veteran who suffers from severe chronic depression.

I have chosen many times NOT to take my own life.

Yes, that makes me feel a failure, but I ask you to please keep reading. 

I am trying to figure out how to turn my life around. The depression is not going away, it is getting worse by the day/month.

I am trying to figure out how to help others who suffer from severe depression.

I have read many books over the years.

I have been told by far too many people that my depression would just go away if I would exercise, exercise causes very severe suicidal tendencies in my case.

I have been told to “just get over it”, it is all in my head. 

I have been given many blessings from church leaders and been instructed to quit sinning. 

I work with the VA regularly to seek treatment and medications (17+ years of treatment). 

The depression continues and has worsened over the years.

At times, I feel I need to write to book about my life, something I know nothing about.  I have told dozens of friends about my story and my life decisions. Everyone I have told about the possibility of writing a book wants to read it WHEN not “IF” I write it and finish it.

I grew up in small community in Utah in a typical LDS family.

I have two older brothers and one younger brother and one very special sister who has downs syndrome. She was supposed to die by 3 due to a congenital heart condition, she is 45  

My father taught at BYU for 39 years and I grew up in Provo.

I was a state champion springboard diver in high school.  Could have had a scholarship.  I loved Ballroom dance and qualified for the local colleges "Bronze" team.  I also did stage and theatrical makeup for many years.

I served an LDS mission in West Virginia from 1981-1982. I served 20 months.

I got married to a beautiful woman, Eva, in January of 1984. 

We have been married for 33 years.

We have five children, three girls and two boys.  We also have 4 grandsons.

I wanted to be an LDS(Mormon) Chaplain in the Army so I joined the Army reserve in 1985 and began school at University of Utah.

While studying at the U of U, we had our first two girls.  I stayed in contact with the LDS Church Military relations board to make sure I continued to follow the requirements for LDS Chaplains.

However, the rules changed in 1988 and I would have to be on active duty. So I joined the US Navy in fall of 1988.

I started serving in the US Navy from Jan 1989 as a Data Systems Tech. While I was on active duty I also attended college to finish my BS in Psychology.

I was in my 2^nd to last semester in college in San Diego when I wrote the LDS Church office Military relations board to see if the requirements were still the same as back in 1988. 

The requirements changed again in 1992.

I could no longer meet any of the requirements for being an LDS, or any denomination, Chaplain as of fall of 1993.  That included age, religion or educational requirements.

While in the US Navy my wife and I had our last three children.  During the last year on active duty I started taking medication for depression. When I went from my shore duty to being assigned to the USS Constellation, CV-64, I was given a physical.  The ship’s Doctor verified my medication and proceeded to have me discharged. In March of 1994, I was Honorably Discharged with a medical discharge and a disability rating at the time of 10%. 

When my family moved back to Utah, I went to the Veterans Administration, and was awarded a disability rating of 30% and given treatment for my depression. I was awarded schooling to get me back into college and help me find a new career.

For the next three years I sought to finish school with an Associates in Computer Science, find employment, provide for my family and learn to conquer my depression.

In 1996 my depression got worse. I was awarded a disability rating of 50%

I went through a time where my depression was really bad.

I was unable to work. I was unable to provide for my family.  I started having suicidal thoughts. 

The First # ½ suicide failure

One day on my way home, I chose to aim my car towards the semi-truck that was coming in the opposite direction.  I closed my eyes.  The truck swerved out of my path.  I sat and cried and eventually went home.

 I was unable to work for about 6 months.  We were unable to keep our house. 

My depression cost us our first home that we had purchased.

During this time I decided that since I was going to kill myself I would do a couple of things that I was not supposed to do, things I am not proud of.  I put together a list.  Started crossing off the items. 

First full on suicide failure

After one of the last items was checked off, a few days past and I took my shotgun and drove to an isolated road.  I sat for a few hours trying to decide whether to shoot through the mouth or from the side of the head.  Eventually, I decided not to go through with my suicide.  I considered myself to be a huge coward for not being able to go through with my own suicide.

My wife finished nursing school in 2001 and is a Registered Nurse. 

We moved 3 times in next 3 years. I got feeling a little more stable. We got to where we were able to own a home again and lived there for 4 years. I was awarded schooling through the VA a second time since the first time the schooling did not provide a steady job.

Just as I was finishing school I was hired on by a Government Agency. 

I was with the Government agency for 7 years.

We moved into a new home during the 2007 housing crisis.

Since leaving the Navy in 1994, I had worked at 26 jobs in 17 years. That includes 7 years with the Government Agency and 3 years with an alarm company. Yes, 25 jobs in 7 years.

The only reason I was at the Government Agency for 7 years was because they are NOT supposed to fire a veteran for his disability. I was fired for "attendance" that corresponded with my depression treatment. My 18 months of Electra-Convulsive Therapy(shock therapy and Yes, One flew over the Cuckoos Nest!) caused me to take up to 10 days off during the month when there are only an average of 22 work days each month.

The medication the VA gave me for insomnia from 2002-2007 gave me Type II Diabetes. Since Diabetes has been a part of my body from the VA Medication, NO depression medication has worked.  I have tried 15 medications in the past 4 years.

I have felt the need to write a book and explain what it is like to “LIVE” with depression.

I fight every day  to live.

The second failure of suicide

In November of 2010, I had put things together and pulled out a handgun and was sitting with it and paper writing notes to my wife and family members when I chose to put the gun back into the gun safe we have. I previously had purchased a gun safe and my wife now holds the keys.

The second #1/2 failure

One day in January of 2011, I came home from ECT with soiled underwear.  I had relieved my bladder while I was being shocked.  Not an uncommon occurrence.  I decided to take a bath. Upon coming home I was usually very “GORCKED” from the medication. I usually just sit while bathing; especially since I was slipping in and out of consciousness.

All of a sudden, I felt water around my face.  I felt water on my chest.  I felt cold water.  I had just filled the bath with water so hot I could barely sit in it. Yet, as I was feeling water on my chest and face, I was in a bath of cool water.  I THEN SAT UPRIGHT PULLING MY HEAD AND UPPER BODY OUT OF THE WATER!  I had fallen asleep!  My head had slipped underwater for I don’t know how long.   As I looked at the clock, over 30 minutes had passed since I had fallen asleep.

I then heard a still small voice say, “It is not your turn until you have written a book about your experience living with depression and maintaining a testimony of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and sharing it with others.”

I feel a very deep need and connection to help other Veterans, other Christians, not just members of the religion I belong to, with fighting the stigma that “MENTAL ILLNESS” has within our culture.  I am more than willing to get in front of people and tell my story (even though I know I will cry because I am a very emotional person).

I do not know why, but part of my writing a book is putting this brief list of details together and sharing it with a few people.  I have no idea how to start, or write a book.  I don’t know how or if sending this out to a few people will help. 

I know I have read books that have given me enough endurance to keep me in this life and bring me to the point I am at right now. 

One regular activity that helps when I am seriously considering suicide, is browsing the internet. On my social media page, I have “friend”-ed many pages that deal with the families left behind from suicides. I read the stories of those families. This gives me courage to go on for another day, sometimes another hour, and sometimes just surviving the next minute or two.

I love music of almost all kinds. I honestly believe that music can be a means of Heavenly inspiration and communication. On one particular day I was in a severely depressed mode. I clicked on a link that took me to a Christian Musician, Kari Jobe. Her song “Healer” lifted my heart from where it was, to a place that brought tears to my eyes knowing that I COULD LIVE ON!

On another day while dealing again with suicidal thoughts, I ran across an artist named Rashad Houston who is a fellow Navy brother, though I did not serve with him. I listened to his music. I then wrote him the following email:

Rashad,

I just want you to know how much your music meant to me when I heard it for the first time tonight. 

I am a Navy Vet.  I struggle with depression daily as well as suicide issues.  I am seen at the local VA and am rated at 100%.  I can not tell you how powerful your words are and how much your music has helped me tonight.  Lot of long history I will not bore you with.  But your music helped me get out of a really bad spot that would have left a wife, 5 kids, 2 son-in-laws, and two grandchild without a grandfather.

Thank you!!

Keep doing what you are doing!  You will touch more Veterans than just myself!

Again, Thank for putting your life story into such heart-felt music!

I know in the Army we are taught to “Be Strong”. I feel weak. I struggle daily to live another day. I hope my short story here can help just one service member be strong and make the choice to seek help. I should know. I have taken myself in to the VA to be put in the hospital so I would not take my life. 

I have fought for 17 years and counting. I am blessed with a beautiful wife that is still with me after all I have put her through. I am blessed with 5 wonderful children. I am blessed with four grandchildren with more on the way. I am, at times, filled with peace and comfort when I take the time to look in their eyes and see the love we share.

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

There will be times when you wish your wife did not have the only key to access the gun safe.

But there will be times when we stand strong and do not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.

Seek the positive. 
 Live for the positive. 
 It will come. 
 You will feel it.

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

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