Music and how it has kept me from suicide

Music, I believe, can be a means through which our Heavenly Father can reach out and touch the soul of Man. There have been many times that I have been touched as I sing and/or listen to different songs. Not all of them are church related. Not all of them are traditional classic music. Here is a very brief list of a few songs that I love listening to because I can feel God speaking to me. If you haven't heard the songs before, you might try searching on YouTube.

LES MISERABLES            Bring Him Home                       Broadway

WICKED                             Defying Gravity                        Broadway

VAN HALEN                      Dreams                                      Rock

JOURNEY                           Faithfully                                   Rock

MIKESCHAIR                    A Beautiful Life                        Christian Rock

SIDEWALK PROPHETS  Just Might Change Your Life    Christian Rock

NEWSBOYS                      We Believe                                 Christian Rock

RASHAD HOUSTON      Sacrifice                                Hip Hop/Soul

KARI JOBE                      Healer                                   Christian

I think you can gather that I listen to a wide variety of music. I did not mention Country, music from the 50's and 60's, music from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Alex Boye, Opera, Josh Groban. Needless to say I love music. During this post, I will concentrate on 4 songs that have changed my life.

When I was about 16-17, I had the opportunity to travel to Israel. My father was a popular tour guide through the university he taught at. For many years he took tours through Israel. Over the years, he took each of us kids and gave us an opportunity to experience the country in which Jesus lived. I have many vivid and fond memories. The sea of Galilee had a storm rise and calm back down as we listened to a cassette tape dramatization of the time Jesus calmed the waters. We stood on the banks of the Jordan River as a member of our tour group was baptized in the river. The one that stands out the most though, is our time spent at the Garden Tomb.

As the group was sitting in the Garden that surrounds the tomb, my father gave a few spiritual quotes from prophets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS). He also quoted and read passages from the Bible about Christ's dying on the cross for us and shedding His blood that we may live again. Before we started taking turns going through tomb, we sang a song; There is a Green Hill Far Away. Sitting in church in my hometown, that green hill is far away. However, my father had us change the words. We sang: There is a Green Hill Near At Hand, because we were sitting at the bottom of the green hill where Christ was crucified.

To this day, I can not sing this song without feeling the Holy Spirit just as strong as I felt it that day as we sang the song in the Garden and then had a few moments to sit in the tomb where Jesus laid. On Sundays as I listen to the talks, I will frequently pull out the hymn book and read through the words of this song. During times that I am having a hard time working through the depression, I will look at a picture of the Garden Tomb, hum the tune or sing the words to this song in the fashion we did while sitting in the Garden. Peace and Christ's spirit will then fill my soul and help calm my outer person

The next song is one reminds me of my days in the United States Navy. I was striving to become a Chaplain for the LDS church. Every year we would go to the Miramar Naval Air Station where the movie “Top Gun” was filmed. It is now the Miramar Marine Corp Air Station. The Navy flight team, the Blue Angels, come every year. I loved it when the rock band Van Halen did a video of their song “Dreams” with the Blue Angels flying to the words. You can find the video here :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KH7j185hotE

I use this song in conjunction with riding my motorcycle. I ride frequently. I also participate often with the Patriot Guard Riders that provide flag lines at veterans funerals and military units returning home. When I ride, I love listening to the song “Dreams”. It reminds me that I can move forward. It helps invigorate my mind and body. I no longer listen to this song when I have the opportunity to ride a bullet bike. The one time I did listen to “Dreams” while on my Ninja900, I kind of went over the speed limit. As I was slowing down to exit the freeway, I looked at my speed and I was at 145 mph; WHILE SLOWING DOWN to exit. I don't ride bullet bikes anymore. I have too much fun on bullet bikes while listening to Van Halen.

The next two songs actually stopped me from going through with suicide. These two songs helped me in the fall of 2012. There was a lot of bad things going on that seemingly had me overwhelmed. I could only think about taking my own life. During the first part of the month of August, I was sitting at the computer desk, looking for ways to commit suicide that would not leave a family hurt. I actually spent a few days trying to find ways that families would not be affected by my taking my own life. There simply aren't any.

While searching for “sacrifice” online, I came across a song. I listened to it. It was different. It was about veterans, 9/11, serving others. It was also Hip Hop/Soul style. Before that night I had never really listened to this genre of music. But this song spoke to me. The artist's name is Rashad Houston. He too is a Navy Veteran. That alone got my attention. So I listened to his song “Sacrifice”. When it ended, I found myself in tears.

http://www.mtv.com/artists/rashad-houston/tracks/106553/

Rashad puts so much soul and emotion into that song that it reached out and slapped me up side the head. I then looked at the whole album and noticed many songs that had a very rich military theme. I listened to the whole album. I then bought the albums Rashad had available at the time. I know have Rashads music on my MP3 player along with Van Halen and others for motorcycle riding. I wrote Rashad as mentioned in my previous post, and let him know how grateful I was that I found his music that night. It saved my life. I have thanked him for that on a number of occasions.

A few weeks later that fall (still 2012), I was having a very hard time spiritually. I could not understand why I have to suffer with this depression. I had open on my computer desk top letters I was going to write each of my family members. Although I was not looking for ways to commit suicide, I was on the computer thinking about writing letters for when I might choose suicide.  I was also looking for other songs like Rashad Houston. I was in need of being touched by God's spirit. As I searched, I found a young woman who sang the national anthem for a Dodgers game. She had a good voice. Then I noticed she sang Christian songs. So I looked up her list of songs. I found one called “Healer”

Kari Jobe became a favorite when as I listened to her sing “Healer”.  As I listened to the song, I knew that Jesus Christ loves me. It isn't something I can very easily explain. I just knew that Christ cares about me. I knew that He would love me. I knew that I needed to delete the letters I was working on on the computer. It was confirmed to me that I needed to continue on with my life. This knowledge did not make the depression go away. Kari's song “Healer” helped me know that I needed to show Christ's love by living.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvIEJ_PmqJ8&list=RDRvIEJ_PmqJ8#t=14

I am writing this blog to help other veterans who struggle with the issue of suicide.  I hear many stories about how much devastation and heartache is left behind with loved ones.  We have probably all heard the numbers on how many veterans commit suicide each day, 22. I struggle, sometimes weekly, sometimes daily, sometimes hourly with suicide. One of the methods I use to cope is music. Whether I listen to Kari, or Rashad; jump on my motorcycle and turn up “Dreams” or listen to The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing There is a Green Hill far Away, music helps me realize that Jesus Christ is my Savior.

Music helps me to know that I matter to my wonderful wife of 30 years. Music runs through each of my children in multiple ways. Some play instruments, some sing, some have a great love for music. Classical, Country, Broadway, Modern day, and even Goth. There is music out there that can bring peace to your mind and soul. Take some time and put together a playlist on your phone or MP3 player for when the struggle becomes to much to bear. God can reach you through music. The Lord has said, “My soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads”

With Music

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

But there will be times when we stand strong not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace with music, far outweigh the negative without music.

Seek the positive. Live for the positive. It will come. You will feel it. 

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org

There is a Green Hill Near at Hand

There is a green hill near at hand,
without a city wall,
where our dear Lord was crucified
who died to save us all.

We may not know, we cannot tell,
what pains he had to bear,
but we believe it was for us
he hung and suffered there.

There was no other good enough
to pay the price of sin,
he only could unlock the gate
of heaven and let us in.

O dearly, dearly has he loved!
And we must love him too,
and trust in his redeeming blood,
and try his works to do. (1)

Dreams

Van Halen

World turns black and white
Pictures in an empty room
Your love starts fallin down
Better change your tune
Reach for the golden ring
Reach for the sky
Baby just spread your wings

[Chorus:]
We'll get higher and higher straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher leave it all behind

Run, run, run, away
Like a train runnin off the track
The truth gets left behind
And falls between the cracks
Standing on broken dreams
But never losing sight
Spread your wings

[Chorus]

So baby dry your eyes, save all the tears you've cried
Ohh that's what dreams are made of
Oh baby we belong in a world that must be strong
Ohh that's what dreams are made of

[Solo]

[Chorus]

Higher and higher who knows what we'll find
And in the end on dreams we will depend
Cause that's what love is made of (2)

Healer

Kari Jobe

You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe

And I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, Lord I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh, I believe

I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh, yes You are, yes You are

And I believe You're my portion
Lord I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
More than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

You're my healer(3)

1. There is a green hill far away

    Text: Cecil Frances Alexander, 1818-1895

       Music: John H. Gower, 1855-1922

2. Dreams

    Van Halen : Album : 5150 released 1986

3. Healer

    Kari Jobe : Album : Kari Jobe released 2009