A Prairie to travel with Family and Friends

Happy Thanksgiving!!

      I have had many thoughts swinging around my mind.  I have been able to be around family over the past week.  I am thankful for my family.  If you have read my previous posts you will know that I have chosen to fail at attempting suicide.  Because I have failed, I have the God-given privilege of being a husband, a father 5 times and a "Papa" 2 times. 

      I am very grateful for a wife that has stayed with me for 30 years now.  I won't go into all the events of my first post.  Let's just say I am very grateful for her love.  I hope she knows I love her with all my heart, even if I don't show it or say "I Love You".  Veterans who suffer from PTSD or TBI or Depression, often have a hard time showing any emotion after they separate from the military.  Many active duty members also have similar issues with regards to emotions; especially after returning home from war.

      I am very grateful for my 5 children.  Being a father is a great blessing.  I love my children very much.  I can not imagine a world without them.  I can not imagine a world without my lovely wife.  Being a grandpa is also something I could not imagine being, but again, I can not imagine a world without my two grand sons.  I have many other family and friends.  I have had the opportunity to become friends with many through social media.  

      So as I sat down and enjoyed a meal with family at Thanksgiving, many people came to mind.  Those who surrounded me.  Those I love. Those I like.  Those I have never met.  Those I have never spoken to.  A veteran family who is having a hard time with depression and having to move across the country.  A family who has a great burden to bear on November 26th of each year.  A man who beats me at times with the game "Words with Friends".  A friend who beats me at times with the game "Angry Birds with Friends".   I could go on but I think you get the idea.  

      Most of those mentioned are people and families who know someone who has chosen suicide.  Some have been able to help those suffering.  One I know made a simple phone call one day to a veteran friend just to say hello.  A few months later, the second veteran admitted to the one who made the call, that he was sitting on the side of his bed with a gun, about to take his life when his phone rang.  The veteran did not go through with his suicide because one simple person made a random phone call to talk with an old friend.

Why do I bring these things up you might ask?  

      I have and continue to fight suicide.  I do receive therapy at the VA.  Some of my best therapy comes from the friends I have met and those around me.  To some this may sound morbid, but I find great strength in helping others who have lost a loved one to suicide.  When I become friends with families and individuals, I learn the pain and loss they experience.  

      My heart went out to a family on thanksgiving and the day before.  I consider them very close friends even though we have never met. They lost a son on November 26th a couple years ago.  They still have unanswered questions, pain, and the hurt that a parent carries when a child precedes them in death.  Thanksgiving time is a time of pain and suffering for them. 

      I ask myself, can I leave my family with those feelings and pain?

      I have become friends with a veteran who returned to his family after being deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan.  The trauma he experienced cause him to start drinking which lead to the loss of his marriage and some prison time.  He considered suicide.  Realizing that there can and is more to life, he chose a new path for his life and he is now helping fellow veterans.

      Again, I ask myself, could I leave my family with those feelings and pain or can I fight and though this and find a way to help others?      

      That is why the reference to the Prairie.  For those who suffer with suicide and other issues that lead up to suicide, they often travel a long weary road that is empty and without emotion.  They feel that no one knows or understands what they are going through.  My friend who placed a simple phone call did not know for a few months that he had saved a life.  It gets very lonely for those who travel this way.  I know.  

I can not imagine a world with losing my spouse to suicide.

I can not imagine a world where I lose a child to suicide.

I can not imagine a world where my parent has committed suicide.

However....

I can imagine a world where I call a veteran friend.

I can imagine a world where I help others deal with suicide.

I can imagine a world where I be a friend to someone who has lost a spouse.

I can imagine a world where I become friends with families who have lost someone to suicide.

      As I wrote this post this morning, I have been watching a movie.  The Lone Survivor with Mark Wahlberg.  As I watched and have been writing, I have thought about Marcus Luttrell and the valor he exhibits each and every day.  With all he has been through, the final quote of the movie brought me to tears.  (even though I usually refer to it as an allergic reaction when I tear up during a military movie)

"Brave men fought and died building a proud tradition and fear of reputation that I am bound to uphold.

I died up on that mountain.

There is no question that a part of me will forever be upon that mountain dead as my brothers died.

There is a part of me that lived because of my brothers.

Because of them I am still alive,

and I can never forget that no matter how much it hurts,

or how dark it gets or how far you fall - 

You are NEVER out of the fight!"

Mark Wahlberg as former Navy SEAL Marcus Luttrell, ‘Lone Survivor.’

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.

You are NEVER out of the fight!

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org

Setting Markers and Learning to play sports in real life

        As I am putting together my thoughts this morning, I am trying to figure out the best analogy for what I am wanting to get across.  There have been many times over the years where the depression was just so bad that I wanted to quit "The Game".  Fail as it were.

        Growing up I participated in many sports: little league baseball, high jump in track, football in my sophomore year of high school, springboard diving in high school, ballroom dancing in high school and my first year in college.  I enjoyed most of these sports.  My two favorite were springboard diving(nearly state champion) and ballroom dancing.

        With each of these sports I learned to fail.  I learned to press on.  I learned to practice.  I learned to set standards that would need to be met in order to move forward.  In diving, when I needed to learn to do a 2 1/2 somersault in the pike position, it took many failed attempts.  It took many times hitting the water in such a way as to slap the skin and cause great pain.  When I learned to do the front 2 1/2 somersault in the pike position, I got to where I could do it without thinking or without fear of coming up short and hurting myself as I entered the water.

        In each of these sports, as we progress, we grow in our knowledge of the sport.  We learn that as we press forward, we are expanding our abilities, and we are enjoying what we are choosing to do with our lives.

        You might be asking yourself, how does this all relate to veterans and those who suffer from mental disorders and depression and where I am at today?  

SETTING MARKERS

        Markers are something I began to use many years ago when I realized that medications were not going to work for me; having been through far too many depression medications.  I began to set markers.  After my incident with the semi-truck mentioned in my first post, and the incident where I sat with a shotgun for an hour or two trying to figure out which would be the least painful way of taking my life for my family, I started using what I refer to as markers.  

        Without markers, every day I would want to take my life.  it was a very hard struggle.  Everyday I opted to not end my life, I felt a failure.  I did not look forward to the next day.  I would take medication for sleep, but I did not want to sleep.  Sleeping meant that I would wake up to the reality that I was facing yet another day I did not want to live through.  This cycle continued for a few years. Then, internally within myself, I started using "Markers".  While waiting for a marker to arrive, I put aside thoughts and plans of taking my life.  I try to concentrate on those around me and what I can do to help.  The marker gives me the ability to pass the haunting terrors of suicide on until the marker arrives.  Then I set another marker.

        For example, a few years ago I was going to turn 50.  I did not want to live beyond 50.  I did not want to be around and have grandchildren know who I am and then choose suicide leaving the family without a husband, father or grandfather.  To be a grandfather would be one more burden I did not want to have hanging over my head as I tried to find a way to commit suicide.  

        So I set a "Marker".  My wife and I choose to visit the island of Kauai for our 28th anniversary and my 50th birthday.   Coming home from that vacation was my marker.  I felt it was the least I could do to give my beautiful wife one awesome vacation that she could look back on and cherish once I took my life.  

        It was a beautiful vacation. We sat on the beach.  We did nothing.  We took a helicopter tour of the island.  We took a boating expedition around to the uninhabited portion of the island. It was a wonderful vacation.  But I planned on taking my life a week or so after we returned.   I failed.  I choose not to take my life. I then set a marker that would take me up to the birth of my first grandchild that was only 1 1/2 months away.  

        What I didn't realize until just recently, was that I am doing the same thing I did when I participated in sports.  When I was high jumping in elementary school and Jr. High school, no one had jumped over 5'10" as a sixth grader.  So I tried, failed, tried, failed. Until one day I made 5'10".  I was 5'6".  On track and field day, I actually made 6'0" on my last try.  Without the failures I would never have made the 6' jump.  

        I have set many "markers".  I spoke to a veteran this past week who promised me he would try to be safe until we have a chance to get together and meet in person.  I then explained my marker method.  As I look back at life now, I am amazed at the marker process.  I felt I was failing my family every step of the way.  

        What I was/have been doing is giving them a life with me in it.  I have not always been in the best of moods.  I have not always been in the best of health. But with each marker I extend my life.  During that "next marker" I try to enjoy the things I do.  As with the Hawaii vacation.  That is a vacation that I will always cherish.  I am glad I failed to commit suicide after the vacation. I am glad I set another maker, and another, and another.  

       Now I am adding new markers.  My newest has been getting back into the arts.  I used to love painting, drawing and creating artwork.  I am now getting back into art.  I am taking a painting class in December and another in January.  I am learning new drawing technics.  I anticipate learning painting technics that will help rejuvenate my love for the arts.  

        I hope this has helped you to realize that setting markers through your life and choosing to live until the next marker, then setting a new one will help you.  It really is no different than practicing sports.  We can get through the negative markers.  We can start setting positive ones.  Life can open up new dimensions we have not felt yet.  And we are not failing by setting markers.  We are failing at taking our own lives.  Which is a great thing to fail at.  I know!!!

BUT....

We are succeeding.  

We are giving time to our wives.  

We are giving time to family. 

We are giving time to those we love and those who love us.  

WE ARE SUCCEEDING!!!

        I honestly pray that by my sharing my thoughts and struggles with the many who read the blogs I post, that there will those who will gain a new perspective on their depression, PTSD, TBI, and the many other invisible illnesses that veterans suffer with.  

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

But there will be times when we set markers and do not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.

Seek the positive. 

Live for the positive. 

It will come. 

You can feel it. 

Set your first marker today!

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org

Music and how it has kept me from suicide

Music, I believe, can be a means through which our Heavenly Father can reach out and touch the soul of Man. There have been many times that I have been touched as I sing and/or listen to different songs. Not all of them are church related. Not all of them are traditional classic music. Here is a very brief list of a few songs that I love listening to because I can feel God speaking to me. If you haven't heard the songs before, you might try searching on YouTube.

LES MISERABLES            Bring Him Home                       Broadway

WICKED                             Defying Gravity                        Broadway

VAN HALEN                      Dreams                                      Rock

JOURNEY                           Faithfully                                   Rock

MIKESCHAIR                    A Beautiful Life                        Christian Rock

SIDEWALK PROPHETS  Just Might Change Your Life    Christian Rock

NEWSBOYS                      We Believe                                 Christian Rock

RASHAD HOUSTON      Sacrifice                                Hip Hop/Soul

KARI JOBE                      Healer                                   Christian

I think you can gather that I listen to a wide variety of music. I did not mention Country, music from the 50's and 60's, music from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Alex Boye, Opera, Josh Groban. Needless to say I love music. During this post, I will concentrate on 4 songs that have changed my life.

When I was about 16-17, I had the opportunity to travel to Israel. My father was a popular tour guide through the university he taught at. For many years he took tours through Israel. Over the years, he took each of us kids and gave us an opportunity to experience the country in which Jesus lived. I have many vivid and fond memories. The sea of Galilee had a storm rise and calm back down as we listened to a cassette tape dramatization of the time Jesus calmed the waters. We stood on the banks of the Jordan River as a member of our tour group was baptized in the river. The one that stands out the most though, is our time spent at the Garden Tomb.

As the group was sitting in the Garden that surrounds the tomb, my father gave a few spiritual quotes from prophets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS). He also quoted and read passages from the Bible about Christ's dying on the cross for us and shedding His blood that we may live again. Before we started taking turns going through tomb, we sang a song; There is a Green Hill Far Away. Sitting in church in my hometown, that green hill is far away. However, my father had us change the words. We sang: There is a Green Hill Near At Hand, because we were sitting at the bottom of the green hill where Christ was crucified.

To this day, I can not sing this song without feeling the Holy Spirit just as strong as I felt it that day as we sang the song in the Garden and then had a few moments to sit in the tomb where Jesus laid. On Sundays as I listen to the talks, I will frequently pull out the hymn book and read through the words of this song. During times that I am having a hard time working through the depression, I will look at a picture of the Garden Tomb, hum the tune or sing the words to this song in the fashion we did while sitting in the Garden. Peace and Christ's spirit will then fill my soul and help calm my outer person

The next song is one reminds me of my days in the United States Navy. I was striving to become a Chaplain for the LDS church. Every year we would go to the Miramar Naval Air Station where the movie “Top Gun” was filmed. It is now the Miramar Marine Corp Air Station. The Navy flight team, the Blue Angels, come every year. I loved it when the rock band Van Halen did a video of their song “Dreams” with the Blue Angels flying to the words. You can find the video here :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KH7j185hotE

I use this song in conjunction with riding my motorcycle. I ride frequently. I also participate often with the Patriot Guard Riders that provide flag lines at veterans funerals and military units returning home. When I ride, I love listening to the song “Dreams”. It reminds me that I can move forward. It helps invigorate my mind and body. I no longer listen to this song when I have the opportunity to ride a bullet bike. The one time I did listen to “Dreams” while on my Ninja900, I kind of went over the speed limit. As I was slowing down to exit the freeway, I looked at my speed and I was at 145 mph; WHILE SLOWING DOWN to exit. I don't ride bullet bikes anymore. I have too much fun on bullet bikes while listening to Van Halen.

The next two songs actually stopped me from going through with suicide. These two songs helped me in the fall of 2012. There was a lot of bad things going on that seemingly had me overwhelmed. I could only think about taking my own life. During the first part of the month of August, I was sitting at the computer desk, looking for ways to commit suicide that would not leave a family hurt. I actually spent a few days trying to find ways that families would not be affected by my taking my own life. There simply aren't any.

While searching for “sacrifice” online, I came across a song. I listened to it. It was different. It was about veterans, 9/11, serving others. It was also Hip Hop/Soul style. Before that night I had never really listened to this genre of music. But this song spoke to me. The artist's name is Rashad Houston. He too is a Navy Veteran. That alone got my attention. So I listened to his song “Sacrifice”. When it ended, I found myself in tears.

http://www.mtv.com/artists/rashad-houston/tracks/106553/

Rashad puts so much soul and emotion into that song that it reached out and slapped me up side the head. I then looked at the whole album and noticed many songs that had a very rich military theme. I listened to the whole album. I then bought the albums Rashad had available at the time. I know have Rashads music on my MP3 player along with Van Halen and others for motorcycle riding. I wrote Rashad as mentioned in my previous post, and let him know how grateful I was that I found his music that night. It saved my life. I have thanked him for that on a number of occasions.

A few weeks later that fall (still 2012), I was having a very hard time spiritually. I could not understand why I have to suffer with this depression. I had open on my computer desk top letters I was going to write each of my family members. Although I was not looking for ways to commit suicide, I was on the computer thinking about writing letters for when I might choose suicide.  I was also looking for other songs like Rashad Houston. I was in need of being touched by God's spirit. As I searched, I found a young woman who sang the national anthem for a Dodgers game. She had a good voice. Then I noticed she sang Christian songs. So I looked up her list of songs. I found one called “Healer”

Kari Jobe became a favorite when as I listened to her sing “Healer”.  As I listened to the song, I knew that Jesus Christ loves me. It isn't something I can very easily explain. I just knew that Christ cares about me. I knew that He would love me. I knew that I needed to delete the letters I was working on on the computer. It was confirmed to me that I needed to continue on with my life. This knowledge did not make the depression go away. Kari's song “Healer” helped me know that I needed to show Christ's love by living.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvIEJ_PmqJ8&list=RDRvIEJ_PmqJ8#t=14

I am writing this blog to help other veterans who struggle with the issue of suicide.  I hear many stories about how much devastation and heartache is left behind with loved ones.  We have probably all heard the numbers on how many veterans commit suicide each day, 22. I struggle, sometimes weekly, sometimes daily, sometimes hourly with suicide. One of the methods I use to cope is music. Whether I listen to Kari, or Rashad; jump on my motorcycle and turn up “Dreams” or listen to The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing There is a Green Hill far Away, music helps me realize that Jesus Christ is my Savior.

Music helps me to know that I matter to my wonderful wife of 30 years. Music runs through each of my children in multiple ways. Some play instruments, some sing, some have a great love for music. Classical, Country, Broadway, Modern day, and even Goth. There is music out there that can bring peace to your mind and soul. Take some time and put together a playlist on your phone or MP3 player for when the struggle becomes to much to bear. God can reach you through music. The Lord has said, “My soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads”

With Music

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

But there will be times when we stand strong not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace with music, far outweigh the negative without music.

Seek the positive. Live for the positive. It will come. You will feel it. 

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org

There is a Green Hill Near at Hand

There is a green hill near at hand,
without a city wall,
where our dear Lord was crucified
who died to save us all.

We may not know, we cannot tell,
what pains he had to bear,
but we believe it was for us
he hung and suffered there.

There was no other good enough
to pay the price of sin,
he only could unlock the gate
of heaven and let us in.

O dearly, dearly has he loved!
And we must love him too,
and trust in his redeeming blood,
and try his works to do. (1)

Dreams

Van Halen

World turns black and white
Pictures in an empty room
Your love starts fallin down
Better change your tune
Reach for the golden ring
Reach for the sky
Baby just spread your wings

[Chorus:]
We'll get higher and higher straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher leave it all behind

Run, run, run, away
Like a train runnin off the track
The truth gets left behind
And falls between the cracks
Standing on broken dreams
But never losing sight
Spread your wings

[Chorus]

So baby dry your eyes, save all the tears you've cried
Ohh that's what dreams are made of
Oh baby we belong in a world that must be strong
Ohh that's what dreams are made of

[Solo]

[Chorus]

Higher and higher who knows what we'll find
And in the end on dreams we will depend
Cause that's what love is made of (2)

Healer

Kari Jobe

You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe

And I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, Lord I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh, I believe

I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh, yes You are, yes You are

And I believe You're my portion
Lord I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
More than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

You're my healer(3)

1. There is a green hill far away

    Text: Cecil Frances Alexander, 1818-1895

       Music: John H. Gower, 1855-1922

2. Dreams

    Van Halen : Album : 5150 released 1986

3. Healer

    Kari Jobe : Album : Kari Jobe released 2009

A Beginning

originally posted in Nov 2014

My name is David.

This account is from November 2012.  

I awoke one morning wishing to take my own life. I was due to show up at a hotel and help a fellow motorcycle rider through portions of the state I live in. I weighed the decision to meet with this young man who was riding across the nation to bring awareness to the issue of “SOLDIER SUICIDES”. I decided to meet up. We rode through beautiful mountain ranges. He asked me if I would be willing to share my trials, struggles, and victories with others. I am, to this day, very grateful I choose to get up and ride.

But then, when is a day on your Harley Davidson ever a bad day?

I am a disabled Navy Veteran who suffers from severe chronic depression.

I have chosen many times NOT to take my own life.

Yes, that makes me feel a failure, but I ask you to please keep reading. 

I am trying to figure out how to turn my life around. The depression is not going away, it is getting worse by the day/month.

I am trying to figure out how to help others who suffer from severe depression.

I have read many books over the years.

I have been told by far too many people that my depression would just go away if I would exercise, exercise causes very severe suicidal tendencies in my case.

I have been told to “just get over it”, it is all in my head. 

I have been given many blessings from church leaders and been instructed to quit sinning. 

I work with the VA regularly to seek treatment and medications (17+ years of treatment). 

The depression continues and has worsened over the years.

At times, I feel I need to write to book about my life, something I know nothing about.  I have told dozens of friends about my story and my life decisions. Everyone I have told about the possibility of writing a book wants to read it WHEN not “IF” I write it and finish it.

I grew up in small community in Utah in a typical LDS family.

I have two older brothers and one younger brother and one very special sister who has downs syndrome. She was supposed to die by 3 due to a congenital heart condition, she is 45  

My father taught at BYU for 39 years and I grew up in Provo.

I was a state champion springboard diver in high school.  Could have had a scholarship.  I loved Ballroom dance and qualified for the local colleges "Bronze" team.  I also did stage and theatrical makeup for many years.

I served an LDS mission in West Virginia from 1981-1982. I served 20 months.

I got married to a beautiful woman, Eva, in January of 1984. 

We have been married for 33 years.

We have five children, three girls and two boys.  We also have 4 grandsons.

I wanted to be an LDS(Mormon) Chaplain in the Army so I joined the Army reserve in 1985 and began school at University of Utah.

While studying at the U of U, we had our first two girls.  I stayed in contact with the LDS Church Military relations board to make sure I continued to follow the requirements for LDS Chaplains.

However, the rules changed in 1988 and I would have to be on active duty. So I joined the US Navy in fall of 1988.

I started serving in the US Navy from Jan 1989 as a Data Systems Tech. While I was on active duty I also attended college to finish my BS in Psychology.

I was in my 2^nd to last semester in college in San Diego when I wrote the LDS Church office Military relations board to see if the requirements were still the same as back in 1988. 

The requirements changed again in 1992.

I could no longer meet any of the requirements for being an LDS, or any denomination, Chaplain as of fall of 1993.  That included age, religion or educational requirements.

While in the US Navy my wife and I had our last three children.  During the last year on active duty I started taking medication for depression. When I went from my shore duty to being assigned to the USS Constellation, CV-64, I was given a physical.  The ship’s Doctor verified my medication and proceeded to have me discharged. In March of 1994, I was Honorably Discharged with a medical discharge and a disability rating at the time of 10%. 

When my family moved back to Utah, I went to the Veterans Administration, and was awarded a disability rating of 30% and given treatment for my depression. I was awarded schooling to get me back into college and help me find a new career.

For the next three years I sought to finish school with an Associates in Computer Science, find employment, provide for my family and learn to conquer my depression.

In 1996 my depression got worse. I was awarded a disability rating of 50%

I went through a time where my depression was really bad.

I was unable to work. I was unable to provide for my family.  I started having suicidal thoughts. 

The First # ½ suicide failure

One day on my way home, I chose to aim my car towards the semi-truck that was coming in the opposite direction.  I closed my eyes.  The truck swerved out of my path.  I sat and cried and eventually went home.

 I was unable to work for about 6 months.  We were unable to keep our house. 

My depression cost us our first home that we had purchased.

During this time I decided that since I was going to kill myself I would do a couple of things that I was not supposed to do, things I am not proud of.  I put together a list.  Started crossing off the items. 

First full on suicide failure

After one of the last items was checked off, a few days past and I took my shotgun and drove to an isolated road.  I sat for a few hours trying to decide whether to shoot through the mouth or from the side of the head.  Eventually, I decided not to go through with my suicide.  I considered myself to be a huge coward for not being able to go through with my own suicide.

My wife finished nursing school in 2001 and is a Registered Nurse. 

We moved 3 times in next 3 years. I got feeling a little more stable. We got to where we were able to own a home again and lived there for 4 years. I was awarded schooling through the VA a second time since the first time the schooling did not provide a steady job.

Just as I was finishing school I was hired on by a Government Agency. 

I was with the Government agency for 7 years.

We moved into a new home during the 2007 housing crisis.

Since leaving the Navy in 1994, I had worked at 26 jobs in 17 years. That includes 7 years with the Government Agency and 3 years with an alarm company. Yes, 25 jobs in 7 years.

The only reason I was at the Government Agency for 7 years was because they are NOT supposed to fire a veteran for his disability. I was fired for "attendance" that corresponded with my depression treatment. My 18 months of Electra-Convulsive Therapy(shock therapy and Yes, One flew over the Cuckoos Nest!) caused me to take up to 10 days off during the month when there are only an average of 22 work days each month.

The medication the VA gave me for insomnia from 2002-2007 gave me Type II Diabetes. Since Diabetes has been a part of my body from the VA Medication, NO depression medication has worked.  I have tried 15 medications in the past 4 years.

I have felt the need to write a book and explain what it is like to “LIVE” with depression.

I fight every day  to live.

The second failure of suicide

In November of 2010, I had put things together and pulled out a handgun and was sitting with it and paper writing notes to my wife and family members when I chose to put the gun back into the gun safe we have. I previously had purchased a gun safe and my wife now holds the keys.

The second #1/2 failure

One day in January of 2011, I came home from ECT with soiled underwear.  I had relieved my bladder while I was being shocked.  Not an uncommon occurrence.  I decided to take a bath. Upon coming home I was usually very “GORCKED” from the medication. I usually just sit while bathing; especially since I was slipping in and out of consciousness.

All of a sudden, I felt water around my face.  I felt water on my chest.  I felt cold water.  I had just filled the bath with water so hot I could barely sit in it. Yet, as I was feeling water on my chest and face, I was in a bath of cool water.  I THEN SAT UPRIGHT PULLING MY HEAD AND UPPER BODY OUT OF THE WATER!  I had fallen asleep!  My head had slipped underwater for I don’t know how long.   As I looked at the clock, over 30 minutes had passed since I had fallen asleep.

I then heard a still small voice say, “It is not your turn until you have written a book about your experience living with depression and maintaining a testimony of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and sharing it with others.”

I feel a very deep need and connection to help other Veterans, other Christians, not just members of the religion I belong to, with fighting the stigma that “MENTAL ILLNESS” has within our culture.  I am more than willing to get in front of people and tell my story (even though I know I will cry because I am a very emotional person).

I do not know why, but part of my writing a book is putting this brief list of details together and sharing it with a few people.  I have no idea how to start, or write a book.  I don’t know how or if sending this out to a few people will help. 

I know I have read books that have given me enough endurance to keep me in this life and bring me to the point I am at right now. 

One regular activity that helps when I am seriously considering suicide, is browsing the internet. On my social media page, I have “friend”-ed many pages that deal with the families left behind from suicides. I read the stories of those families. This gives me courage to go on for another day, sometimes another hour, and sometimes just surviving the next minute or two.

I love music of almost all kinds. I honestly believe that music can be a means of Heavenly inspiration and communication. On one particular day I was in a severely depressed mode. I clicked on a link that took me to a Christian Musician, Kari Jobe. Her song “Healer” lifted my heart from where it was, to a place that brought tears to my eyes knowing that I COULD LIVE ON!

On another day while dealing again with suicidal thoughts, I ran across an artist named Rashad Houston who is a fellow Navy brother, though I did not serve with him. I listened to his music. I then wrote him the following email:

Rashad,

I just want you to know how much your music meant to me when I heard it for the first time tonight. 

I am a Navy Vet.  I struggle with depression daily as well as suicide issues.  I am seen at the local VA and am rated at 100%.  I can not tell you how powerful your words are and how much your music has helped me tonight.  Lot of long history I will not bore you with.  But your music helped me get out of a really bad spot that would have left a wife, 5 kids, 2 son-in-laws, and two grandchild without a grandfather.

Thank you!!

Keep doing what you are doing!  You will touch more Veterans than just myself!

Again, Thank for putting your life story into such heart-felt music!

I know in the Army we are taught to “Be Strong”. I feel weak. I struggle daily to live another day. I hope my short story here can help just one service member be strong and make the choice to seek help. I should know. I have taken myself in to the VA to be put in the hospital so I would not take my life. 

I have fought for 17 years and counting. I am blessed with a beautiful wife that is still with me after all I have put her through. I am blessed with 5 wonderful children. I am blessed with four grandchildren with more on the way. I am, at times, filled with peace and comfort when I take the time to look in their eyes and see the love we share.

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

There will be times when you wish your wife did not have the only key to access the gun safe.

But there will be times when we stand strong and do not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.

Seek the positive. 
 Live for the positive. 
 It will come. 
 You will feel it.

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

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