Man, do I have a lot of imperfections!

Have you ever done something.  Finished it.  Then looked back on it and all you can see are the mistakes, the imperfections, and the faults in what you see, looking backwards.

Let's take this painting I did as an example.  When I finished it all I could see were the mistakes I made.  I only have vision in my left eye.  I am 90% blind in my right eye.  I have no depth perception.  I wear a patch on my glasses to keep the "light" from interfering with my left eye and causing headaches.  So at times when delicate brush strokes are needed, it can be quite difficult with no depth perception.  So I see my mistakes.  I followed the artist Wilson Bickford's "How to Paint a Mono Chromatic Lighthouse".  I made a ton of mistakes.

I can tell where I missed lining in the lighthouse.  I can see where I did not get quite enough depth in the fields leading up to the lighthouse.  I can see where the bird in the fog is a little big for how far back it is in the painting.  I can see how I didn't get the brush stoke placed properly for the light coming out of the top.  It took me a couple of days to finish this painting with all the mistakes I made. I could go on about more mistakes that I think I made.

However, when I posted it online for family and friends to see, I was shocked at how many people "liked" my painting.  A couple of my friends are teachers in this type of painting.  They loved my version of this painting.  Many commented on how cool it was that I added a bi-plane into the fog.  People saw a great painting and told me how much potential I must have.  Some thought I have been painting for a while.  Little do they know that this is only my fourth actual oil painting. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked for some thoughts on a lesson one of my family members was going to give on the following Sunday.  The topic was about doing our best and can we "overshoot" the mark in church service.  After a little thought I sent him the following text:

Only one person "overshot" the mark.  Christ.  Without his mercy and love we can not make it back to our Heavenly Father's kingdom. We can only do our best with the life we have.  Christ's salvation is what covers the gap between good, better, best.  We all need our Saviors love and salvation to compensate for lack of hitting the mark.   Too many times in Christian culture,  good is not good enough, better is still missing the mark,  best always has room for improvement.  When in reality our Savior is what brings us to the "mark".  Regardless of where we are in our effort to hit the mark,  we fall short.   It was Heavenly  Father's plan that Christ make up the difference with His crucifixion.  In many of the churches I would attend bible study on Wednesday night during my mission, they taught we all make it to heaven by Christ's grace regardless of our good, better, best.  The pastor would make it to heaven with a life of service.  The drunk who just stopped drinking and now praises God then dies gets the same heaven the pastor gets. Christ's love covers that gap.  Yes our service to others helps us and others.  Being better helps us and others.  But being who we are and believing in Christ's grace and mercy is what saves us in the end.

What I suggested to my family member was that we should not look at what we do wrong.  We should look forward.  Looking back only shows us our mistakes and faults.  Looking forward gives us hope of doing better.  Looking forward gives us a reason and purpose to move forward.  Like with my paintings.  I love to try to put my thoughts and pictures onto canvas and paper whether with painting, colored pencils or just graphite pencils.  

Those of us who have mental illnesses tend to look at what has been.  Looking backward at our mistakes.  Focusing on the what has been.  Similar to my seeing all the mistakes I made on the painting above and the other pictures I have put up this page.  I could use those mistakes as an excuse to not try any more.  Painting and drawing are something I enjoy doing.  

Whether or not you believe in Christ, we need to find a way to look forward.  We need to find a way to replace the "mistakes" with thoughts and beliefs that will help us move forward.  

As I have thought about what to write this past month, all I could think about were the bad things that have happened with my life.  

Do I think about the 79 medical procedures that I have been through and the terrible health I have.  

Or, do I think about the beauty of my family and the marvelous blessing it is to have a wife, 5 kids, 2 son-in-laws, and almost 3 grandchildren.

Do I think about the depression and the suicidal thoughts and plans I have most days.

Or, do I think about holding my wife's hand and enjoying time with our children and grandchildren.

Do I think about all the mistakes I made on only the fourth painting I have done and never paint again.

Or, do I look forward to spending another day with paints or pencils and creating something that many will think was done by someone with a bunch of talent.  

I have been amazed the past week as I have contemplated the painting mistakes and the way others view my painting.  It is the same with life.  I meditate each day.  I try to not think about the past, or about the depression.  I can not make the bad thoughts and mistakes go away.  But I can refocus through prayer, meditation and contemplation and move my thoughts back to good things.  I can think about all the praises I received on my painting.  I can, if I choose.

Do I look at the mistakes in these pictures.  Or, do I look at the cool way in which I was able to blend colors and patterns so that actual birds can be seen flying.  

The choice is OURS!

I honestly pray that by sharing my thoughts and struggles with the many who read my blog posts, that there will be those who will gain a new perspective on their depression, PTSD, TBI, and the many other invisible illnesses that veterans suffer with.  

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

There will be times we set markers and do not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.

Seek the positive. 

Live for the positive.

It will come. 

You can feel it.

Set another marker today!

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org

For reference here is the WPBS link to Wilson Bickford's painting show.  http://watch.wpbstv.org/program/wpbs/episodes/

What Companions dogs can do to help

It has been a while.

Pets can change your life.

     When I began this blogging adventure, I was committed to writing every other week.  A couple of times I wrote each week.  But I felt the need and desire to share my continuing struggle with severe chronic depression and suicidal issues.  I still feel the best way to do this is through writing about things that help, struggles as they arise, and letting family and friends know how much I have appreciated the support, love and caring they have shown me.  

     When I came across some serious issues at the end of October and moving into November last year, I was not sure what I was going to write about come December.  Nor did I know how to convey the struggles I have been, and am going through.  I began my blogging journey about 2 weeks after one of the hardest 15 hours of my life - loss of a second companion dog.  I have not mentioned it in prior blogs.  I did not think it would start the downward spiral that I have been on over the past three months.  It has had a very serious affect on me. 

Losing a Companion dog (Twice in a little over 1 year)

Puppy Jade

     Years ago our family bought a Giant Alaskan Malamute.  My son chose the name Jade because she was such a jewel to the family.  Little did I know how she would have such a powerful affect on my life.  Here is a picture of Jade doing what she loved best: laying down in snow and not moving.  When people say, "Never leave a dog outside in the cold", I think of the times Jade slept on the back porch and when morning came and I opened the door, she would be covered with inches of snow with that look like "what, I am loving this".  I trained her to be a "Therapy Dog" so I could take her to hospitals, schools and nursing homes and share her love with others.  

Grown up Jade loving the snow

     When I ordered her Therapy Dog vest, she was a mere 56" around the chest and weighed 165 lbs.    Just as I finished the skill training she needed, I found out that she needed to be under the age of 8.  She had just turned eight. This was near the end of Jade's time with us. Jade had thyroid issues her whole life and was getting very sick.  The vet figured she had maybe a year at the most.

     When the city I was living in found out we had three dogs, they ordered me to sell one or put one down.  The law only allowed for 2 dogs in each home.  As I pondered what to do, the only real choice was to look into having Jade "put to sleep".

Ryder, Jade and Zenna

     Mind you, this is a dog that knew me.  Jade knew me very well.  There were countless times that I would sit on the couch trying to figure out a way to commit suicide.  Jade would come over and lay her head on my lap.  Then look at me with those "I Love You" eyes as if to say, "Please don't leave your family and me without you".  Now here I was having to make the choice to help her fall asleep for the last time.

Jades final Oreo

     Jades favorite treat were Oreo's.  She could hear the package open from anywhere in the house. Since this was her favorite treat, I choose to give her a bunch before I drove her to her final resting place.  After over a dozen Oreo's, I gave her a hug and got her excited about going for a ride.  This was a very tough 25 minute ride to the vet.  Once there, the vet allowed Jade and I to spend as much time as needed.  They then took her back and put in the IV and brought her back to the room.

     Jade and I sat and held each other for a few more minutes.  I then gave the vet the "go-ahead" and she began the medication.  Jade was so sick that instead of needing all three medications, she fell asleep and her heart stopped with just the first medication.  She was lifeless in my arms.  But I will never forget the Oreo's or the "Look".  I never thought we would have another dog that would have that affect on me.  And then our "third" dog came along.

Zenna dog number 3 at the time Jade fell asleep

     We got Zenna when we realized Jade was only going to live a few more months.  Zenna is an Olde English Bulldog.  As of this writing she is 3 years old.  Shortly after Jades passing, Zenna began picking up where Jade had left off.  Zenna was a very high spirited fun loving dog.  Bulldogs can be very bullheaded, stubborn and lovable.   Over the course of that past year and a half, there have been many changes in our lives.  Jade passed away.  My wife has started working in California.  I am having to go between Utah and California multiple times within a month.

Zenna cuddling

     Zenna began to know me as Jade knew me.  She would cuddle up when I was not doing well. Zenna would come and want to play when I was not wanting to do anything.  Zenna accompanied me on many of the trips to and from our home in Utah and my wives apartment in San Diego.  I got to where I learned where Zenna liked to stop and take a break from the long hours in the car.  Zenna also loved my wife and was very protective of her.

Zennas favorite cuddle position

     Zenna had the same look in her eyes when she would cuddle up next to me.  She had that "Please don't leave your family and me behind" look just as Jade did.  While I was in Utah one week in October, Zenna was startled by a painter in the complex my wife lives in.  Zenna was trying to protect my wife.  Zenna bit the painter.  Being in California, the best option was to try to sell Zenna before the state of California got involved.  By the end of October we had a family in Utah that was a perfect fit for our beloved Zenna.

Last hug

     With my wife working full time, I got the opportunity to drive Zenna back to Utah to sell her.  The night I left, my wife held and squeezed Zenna nearly to death.  I had to fight back tears.  I had to drive all night to be able to meet the family the next morning at 9 a.m.  I felt bad for my wife since Zenna was "Her" dog.

      But the 15 hour drive all night and the stops and breaks I took with Zenna nearly broke my heart.  Literally.  I met up with the family and spent an hour with the father.  Zenna loved the father.  She loved the yard and her ability to just run and run and run and, well you get the idea.  But losing Zenna was just as difficult if not a little more difficult than losing Jade.  As I left, Zenna sat out on the porch with me.  The new owner called her inside.  She went inside.  Zenna the looked outside and saw me sitting there.  She looked confused and sad.  I sat there for almost 10 minutes after the door was shut.  I cried.  I then walked back to the car I had just spent  the final 15 hours with Zenna.  Even harder is the knowledge that Zenna is still alive and well.  And here I sit writing about how this affected me.

What does this all mean?

     I have spoken of setting markers.  Having to get rid of a second dog that had become quite literally a companion dog that knew when I needed her love, completely threw me off my game.  Thanksgiving and Christmas and December 29th have long been markers for me(see Setting Markers).  Being thrown off my game, I started having real issues with my depression.  Dreams started involving committing suicide.  During the night these dreams were so bad I was only able to get an hour of sleep, if I was lucky.  During the days I was unable to get additional rest.  I often lost sight of my usual way of dealing with life. 

     My usual meditation practices were disrupted.  I felt alone and unable to express what I was going through.  I didn't even really know what was behind my break down.  I still have many trips to and from Utah and San Diego.  With almost every trip, I see the places I stopped with Zenna and played just to spend a few extra minutes with her.  Seeing these still breaks my heart.  

     As I gather my thoughts and reorganize my life, I will be further writing about some of the other issues that added to my difficult journey through the month of December.  I did not realize how much this affected me.  I have long thought of putting together an organization that would match PTSD, TBI, and other veterans from the recent wars with trained dogs from local shelters.  I have long known about the impact dogs can have on a "mental" veteran.  As I have sat and thought about the past 3 months, I am further convinced that dogs and other animals can have a huge and positive affect on our veterans.  

     I honestly pray that by my sharing my thoughts and struggles with the many who read the blogs I post, that there will those who will gain a new perspective on their depression, PTSD, TBI, and the many other invisible illnesses that veterans suffer with.  

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

But there will be times when we set markers and do not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.

Seek the positive. 

Live for the positive. 

It will come. 

You can feel it. 

Set your first marker today!

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org

A Prairie to travel with Family and Friends

Happy Thanksgiving!!

      I have had many thoughts swinging around my mind.  I have been able to be around family over the past week.  I am thankful for my family.  If you have read my previous posts you will know that I have chosen to fail at attempting suicide.  Because I have failed, I have the God-given privilege of being a husband, a father 5 times and a "Papa" 2 times. 

      I am very grateful for a wife that has stayed with me for 30 years now.  I won't go into all the events of my first post.  Let's just say I am very grateful for her love.  I hope she knows I love her with all my heart, even if I don't show it or say "I Love You".  Veterans who suffer from PTSD or TBI or Depression, often have a hard time showing any emotion after they separate from the military.  Many active duty members also have similar issues with regards to emotions; especially after returning home from war.

      I am very grateful for my 5 children.  Being a father is a great blessing.  I love my children very much.  I can not imagine a world without them.  I can not imagine a world without my lovely wife.  Being a grandpa is also something I could not imagine being, but again, I can not imagine a world without my two grand sons.  I have many other family and friends.  I have had the opportunity to become friends with many through social media.  

      So as I sat down and enjoyed a meal with family at Thanksgiving, many people came to mind.  Those who surrounded me.  Those I love. Those I like.  Those I have never met.  Those I have never spoken to.  A veteran family who is having a hard time with depression and having to move across the country.  A family who has a great burden to bear on November 26th of each year.  A man who beats me at times with the game "Words with Friends".  A friend who beats me at times with the game "Angry Birds with Friends".   I could go on but I think you get the idea.  

      Most of those mentioned are people and families who know someone who has chosen suicide.  Some have been able to help those suffering.  One I know made a simple phone call one day to a veteran friend just to say hello.  A few months later, the second veteran admitted to the one who made the call, that he was sitting on the side of his bed with a gun, about to take his life when his phone rang.  The veteran did not go through with his suicide because one simple person made a random phone call to talk with an old friend.

Why do I bring these things up you might ask?  

      I have and continue to fight suicide.  I do receive therapy at the VA.  Some of my best therapy comes from the friends I have met and those around me.  To some this may sound morbid, but I find great strength in helping others who have lost a loved one to suicide.  When I become friends with families and individuals, I learn the pain and loss they experience.  

      My heart went out to a family on thanksgiving and the day before.  I consider them very close friends even though we have never met. They lost a son on November 26th a couple years ago.  They still have unanswered questions, pain, and the hurt that a parent carries when a child precedes them in death.  Thanksgiving time is a time of pain and suffering for them. 

      I ask myself, can I leave my family with those feelings and pain?

      I have become friends with a veteran who returned to his family after being deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan.  The trauma he experienced cause him to start drinking which lead to the loss of his marriage and some prison time.  He considered suicide.  Realizing that there can and is more to life, he chose a new path for his life and he is now helping fellow veterans.

      Again, I ask myself, could I leave my family with those feelings and pain or can I fight and though this and find a way to help others?      

      That is why the reference to the Prairie.  For those who suffer with suicide and other issues that lead up to suicide, they often travel a long weary road that is empty and without emotion.  They feel that no one knows or understands what they are going through.  My friend who placed a simple phone call did not know for a few months that he had saved a life.  It gets very lonely for those who travel this way.  I know.  

I can not imagine a world with losing my spouse to suicide.

I can not imagine a world where I lose a child to suicide.

I can not imagine a world where my parent has committed suicide.

However....

I can imagine a world where I call a veteran friend.

I can imagine a world where I help others deal with suicide.

I can imagine a world where I be a friend to someone who has lost a spouse.

I can imagine a world where I become friends with families who have lost someone to suicide.

      As I wrote this post this morning, I have been watching a movie.  The Lone Survivor with Mark Wahlberg.  As I watched and have been writing, I have thought about Marcus Luttrell and the valor he exhibits each and every day.  With all he has been through, the final quote of the movie brought me to tears.  (even though I usually refer to it as an allergic reaction when I tear up during a military movie)

"Brave men fought and died building a proud tradition and fear of reputation that I am bound to uphold.

I died up on that mountain.

There is no question that a part of me will forever be upon that mountain dead as my brothers died.

There is a part of me that lived because of my brothers.

Because of them I am still alive,

and I can never forget that no matter how much it hurts,

or how dark it gets or how far you fall - 

You are NEVER out of the fight!"

Mark Wahlberg as former Navy SEAL Marcus Luttrell, ‘Lone Survivor.’

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.

You are NEVER out of the fight!

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org

Setting Markers and Learning to play sports in real life

        As I am putting together my thoughts this morning, I am trying to figure out the best analogy for what I am wanting to get across.  There have been many times over the years where the depression was just so bad that I wanted to quit "The Game".  Fail as it were.

        Growing up I participated in many sports: little league baseball, high jump in track, football in my sophomore year of high school, springboard diving in high school, ballroom dancing in high school and my first year in college.  I enjoyed most of these sports.  My two favorite were springboard diving(nearly state champion) and ballroom dancing.

        With each of these sports I learned to fail.  I learned to press on.  I learned to practice.  I learned to set standards that would need to be met in order to move forward.  In diving, when I needed to learn to do a 2 1/2 somersault in the pike position, it took many failed attempts.  It took many times hitting the water in such a way as to slap the skin and cause great pain.  When I learned to do the front 2 1/2 somersault in the pike position, I got to where I could do it without thinking or without fear of coming up short and hurting myself as I entered the water.

        In each of these sports, as we progress, we grow in our knowledge of the sport.  We learn that as we press forward, we are expanding our abilities, and we are enjoying what we are choosing to do with our lives.

        You might be asking yourself, how does this all relate to veterans and those who suffer from mental disorders and depression and where I am at today?  

SETTING MARKERS

        Markers are something I began to use many years ago when I realized that medications were not going to work for me; having been through far too many depression medications.  I began to set markers.  After my incident with the semi-truck mentioned in my first post, and the incident where I sat with a shotgun for an hour or two trying to figure out which would be the least painful way of taking my life for my family, I started using what I refer to as markers.  

        Without markers, every day I would want to take my life.  it was a very hard struggle.  Everyday I opted to not end my life, I felt a failure.  I did not look forward to the next day.  I would take medication for sleep, but I did not want to sleep.  Sleeping meant that I would wake up to the reality that I was facing yet another day I did not want to live through.  This cycle continued for a few years. Then, internally within myself, I started using "Markers".  While waiting for a marker to arrive, I put aside thoughts and plans of taking my life.  I try to concentrate on those around me and what I can do to help.  The marker gives me the ability to pass the haunting terrors of suicide on until the marker arrives.  Then I set another marker.

        For example, a few years ago I was going to turn 50.  I did not want to live beyond 50.  I did not want to be around and have grandchildren know who I am and then choose suicide leaving the family without a husband, father or grandfather.  To be a grandfather would be one more burden I did not want to have hanging over my head as I tried to find a way to commit suicide.  

        So I set a "Marker".  My wife and I choose to visit the island of Kauai for our 28th anniversary and my 50th birthday.   Coming home from that vacation was my marker.  I felt it was the least I could do to give my beautiful wife one awesome vacation that she could look back on and cherish once I took my life.  

        It was a beautiful vacation. We sat on the beach.  We did nothing.  We took a helicopter tour of the island.  We took a boating expedition around to the uninhabited portion of the island. It was a wonderful vacation.  But I planned on taking my life a week or so after we returned.   I failed.  I choose not to take my life. I then set a marker that would take me up to the birth of my first grandchild that was only 1 1/2 months away.  

        What I didn't realize until just recently, was that I am doing the same thing I did when I participated in sports.  When I was high jumping in elementary school and Jr. High school, no one had jumped over 5'10" as a sixth grader.  So I tried, failed, tried, failed. Until one day I made 5'10".  I was 5'6".  On track and field day, I actually made 6'0" on my last try.  Without the failures I would never have made the 6' jump.  

        I have set many "markers".  I spoke to a veteran this past week who promised me he would try to be safe until we have a chance to get together and meet in person.  I then explained my marker method.  As I look back at life now, I am amazed at the marker process.  I felt I was failing my family every step of the way.  

        What I was/have been doing is giving them a life with me in it.  I have not always been in the best of moods.  I have not always been in the best of health. But with each marker I extend my life.  During that "next marker" I try to enjoy the things I do.  As with the Hawaii vacation.  That is a vacation that I will always cherish.  I am glad I failed to commit suicide after the vacation. I am glad I set another maker, and another, and another.  

       Now I am adding new markers.  My newest has been getting back into the arts.  I used to love painting, drawing and creating artwork.  I am now getting back into art.  I am taking a painting class in December and another in January.  I am learning new drawing technics.  I anticipate learning painting technics that will help rejuvenate my love for the arts.  

        I hope this has helped you to realize that setting markers through your life and choosing to live until the next marker, then setting a new one will help you.  It really is no different than practicing sports.  We can get through the negative markers.  We can start setting positive ones.  Life can open up new dimensions we have not felt yet.  And we are not failing by setting markers.  We are failing at taking our own lives.  Which is a great thing to fail at.  I know!!!

BUT....

We are succeeding.  

We are giving time to our wives.  

We are giving time to family. 

We are giving time to those we love and those who love us.  

WE ARE SUCCEEDING!!!

        I honestly pray that by my sharing my thoughts and struggles with the many who read the blogs I post, that there will those who will gain a new perspective on their depression, PTSD, TBI, and the many other invisible illnesses that veterans suffer with.  

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

But there will be times when we set markers and do not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.

Seek the positive. 

Live for the positive. 

It will come. 

You can feel it. 

Set your first marker today!

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org

Music and how it has kept me from suicide

Music, I believe, can be a means through which our Heavenly Father can reach out and touch the soul of Man. There have been many times that I have been touched as I sing and/or listen to different songs. Not all of them are church related. Not all of them are traditional classic music. Here is a very brief list of a few songs that I love listening to because I can feel God speaking to me. If you haven't heard the songs before, you might try searching on YouTube.

LES MISERABLES            Bring Him Home                       Broadway

WICKED                             Defying Gravity                        Broadway

VAN HALEN                      Dreams                                      Rock

JOURNEY                           Faithfully                                   Rock

MIKESCHAIR                    A Beautiful Life                        Christian Rock

SIDEWALK PROPHETS  Just Might Change Your Life    Christian Rock

NEWSBOYS                      We Believe                                 Christian Rock

RASHAD HOUSTON      Sacrifice                                Hip Hop/Soul

KARI JOBE                      Healer                                   Christian

I think you can gather that I listen to a wide variety of music. I did not mention Country, music from the 50's and 60's, music from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Alex Boye, Opera, Josh Groban. Needless to say I love music. During this post, I will concentrate on 4 songs that have changed my life.

When I was about 16-17, I had the opportunity to travel to Israel. My father was a popular tour guide through the university he taught at. For many years he took tours through Israel. Over the years, he took each of us kids and gave us an opportunity to experience the country in which Jesus lived. I have many vivid and fond memories. The sea of Galilee had a storm rise and calm back down as we listened to a cassette tape dramatization of the time Jesus calmed the waters. We stood on the banks of the Jordan River as a member of our tour group was baptized in the river. The one that stands out the most though, is our time spent at the Garden Tomb.

As the group was sitting in the Garden that surrounds the tomb, my father gave a few spiritual quotes from prophets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS). He also quoted and read passages from the Bible about Christ's dying on the cross for us and shedding His blood that we may live again. Before we started taking turns going through tomb, we sang a song; There is a Green Hill Far Away. Sitting in church in my hometown, that green hill is far away. However, my father had us change the words. We sang: There is a Green Hill Near At Hand, because we were sitting at the bottom of the green hill where Christ was crucified.

To this day, I can not sing this song without feeling the Holy Spirit just as strong as I felt it that day as we sang the song in the Garden and then had a few moments to sit in the tomb where Jesus laid. On Sundays as I listen to the talks, I will frequently pull out the hymn book and read through the words of this song. During times that I am having a hard time working through the depression, I will look at a picture of the Garden Tomb, hum the tune or sing the words to this song in the fashion we did while sitting in the Garden. Peace and Christ's spirit will then fill my soul and help calm my outer person

The next song is one reminds me of my days in the United States Navy. I was striving to become a Chaplain for the LDS church. Every year we would go to the Miramar Naval Air Station where the movie “Top Gun” was filmed. It is now the Miramar Marine Corp Air Station. The Navy flight team, the Blue Angels, come every year. I loved it when the rock band Van Halen did a video of their song “Dreams” with the Blue Angels flying to the words. You can find the video here :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KH7j185hotE

I use this song in conjunction with riding my motorcycle. I ride frequently. I also participate often with the Patriot Guard Riders that provide flag lines at veterans funerals and military units returning home. When I ride, I love listening to the song “Dreams”. It reminds me that I can move forward. It helps invigorate my mind and body. I no longer listen to this song when I have the opportunity to ride a bullet bike. The one time I did listen to “Dreams” while on my Ninja900, I kind of went over the speed limit. As I was slowing down to exit the freeway, I looked at my speed and I was at 145 mph; WHILE SLOWING DOWN to exit. I don't ride bullet bikes anymore. I have too much fun on bullet bikes while listening to Van Halen.

The next two songs actually stopped me from going through with suicide. These two songs helped me in the fall of 2012. There was a lot of bad things going on that seemingly had me overwhelmed. I could only think about taking my own life. During the first part of the month of August, I was sitting at the computer desk, looking for ways to commit suicide that would not leave a family hurt. I actually spent a few days trying to find ways that families would not be affected by my taking my own life. There simply aren't any.

While searching for “sacrifice” online, I came across a song. I listened to it. It was different. It was about veterans, 9/11, serving others. It was also Hip Hop/Soul style. Before that night I had never really listened to this genre of music. But this song spoke to me. The artist's name is Rashad Houston. He too is a Navy Veteran. That alone got my attention. So I listened to his song “Sacrifice”. When it ended, I found myself in tears.

http://www.mtv.com/artists/rashad-houston/tracks/106553/

Rashad puts so much soul and emotion into that song that it reached out and slapped me up side the head. I then looked at the whole album and noticed many songs that had a very rich military theme. I listened to the whole album. I then bought the albums Rashad had available at the time. I know have Rashads music on my MP3 player along with Van Halen and others for motorcycle riding. I wrote Rashad as mentioned in my previous post, and let him know how grateful I was that I found his music that night. It saved my life. I have thanked him for that on a number of occasions.

A few weeks later that fall (still 2012), I was having a very hard time spiritually. I could not understand why I have to suffer with this depression. I had open on my computer desk top letters I was going to write each of my family members. Although I was not looking for ways to commit suicide, I was on the computer thinking about writing letters for when I might choose suicide.  I was also looking for other songs like Rashad Houston. I was in need of being touched by God's spirit. As I searched, I found a young woman who sang the national anthem for a Dodgers game. She had a good voice. Then I noticed she sang Christian songs. So I looked up her list of songs. I found one called “Healer”

Kari Jobe became a favorite when as I listened to her sing “Healer”.  As I listened to the song, I knew that Jesus Christ loves me. It isn't something I can very easily explain. I just knew that Christ cares about me. I knew that He would love me. I knew that I needed to delete the letters I was working on on the computer. It was confirmed to me that I needed to continue on with my life. This knowledge did not make the depression go away. Kari's song “Healer” helped me know that I needed to show Christ's love by living.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvIEJ_PmqJ8&list=RDRvIEJ_PmqJ8#t=14

I am writing this blog to help other veterans who struggle with the issue of suicide.  I hear many stories about how much devastation and heartache is left behind with loved ones.  We have probably all heard the numbers on how many veterans commit suicide each day, 22. I struggle, sometimes weekly, sometimes daily, sometimes hourly with suicide. One of the methods I use to cope is music. Whether I listen to Kari, or Rashad; jump on my motorcycle and turn up “Dreams” or listen to The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing There is a Green Hill far Away, music helps me realize that Jesus Christ is my Savior.

Music helps me to know that I matter to my wonderful wife of 30 years. Music runs through each of my children in multiple ways. Some play instruments, some sing, some have a great love for music. Classical, Country, Broadway, Modern day, and even Goth. There is music out there that can bring peace to your mind and soul. Take some time and put together a playlist on your phone or MP3 player for when the struggle becomes to much to bear. God can reach you through music. The Lord has said, “My soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads”

With Music

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

But there will be times when we stand strong not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace with music, far outweigh the negative without music.

Seek the positive. Live for the positive. It will come. You will feel it. 

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org

There is a Green Hill Near at Hand

There is a green hill near at hand,
without a city wall,
where our dear Lord was crucified
who died to save us all.

We may not know, we cannot tell,
what pains he had to bear,
but we believe it was for us
he hung and suffered there.

There was no other good enough
to pay the price of sin,
he only could unlock the gate
of heaven and let us in.

O dearly, dearly has he loved!
And we must love him too,
and trust in his redeeming blood,
and try his works to do. (1)

Dreams

Van Halen

World turns black and white
Pictures in an empty room
Your love starts fallin down
Better change your tune
Reach for the golden ring
Reach for the sky
Baby just spread your wings

[Chorus:]
We'll get higher and higher straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher leave it all behind

Run, run, run, away
Like a train runnin off the track
The truth gets left behind
And falls between the cracks
Standing on broken dreams
But never losing sight
Spread your wings

[Chorus]

So baby dry your eyes, save all the tears you've cried
Ohh that's what dreams are made of
Oh baby we belong in a world that must be strong
Ohh that's what dreams are made of

[Solo]

[Chorus]

Higher and higher who knows what we'll find
And in the end on dreams we will depend
Cause that's what love is made of (2)

Healer

Kari Jobe

You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe

And I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, Lord I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh, I believe

I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh, yes You are, yes You are

And I believe You're my portion
Lord I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
More than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

You're my healer(3)

1. There is a green hill far away

    Text: Cecil Frances Alexander, 1818-1895

       Music: John H. Gower, 1855-1922

2. Dreams

    Van Halen : Album : 5150 released 1986

3. Healer

    Kari Jobe : Album : Kari Jobe released 2009