What Companions dogs can do to help

It has been a while.

Pets can change your life.

     When I began this blogging adventure, I was committed to writing every other week.  A couple of times I wrote each week.  But I felt the need and desire to share my continuing struggle with severe chronic depression and suicidal issues.  I still feel the best way to do this is through writing about things that help, struggles as they arise, and letting family and friends know how much I have appreciated the support, love and caring they have shown me.  

     When I came across some serious issues at the end of October and moving into November last year, I was not sure what I was going to write about come December.  Nor did I know how to convey the struggles I have been, and am going through.  I began my blogging journey about 2 weeks after one of the hardest 15 hours of my life - loss of a second companion dog.  I have not mentioned it in prior blogs.  I did not think it would start the downward spiral that I have been on over the past three months.  It has had a very serious affect on me. 

Losing a Companion dog (Twice in a little over 1 year)

Puppy Jade

     Years ago our family bought a Giant Alaskan Malamute.  My son chose the name Jade because she was such a jewel to the family.  Little did I know how she would have such a powerful affect on my life.  Here is a picture of Jade doing what she loved best: laying down in snow and not moving.  When people say, "Never leave a dog outside in the cold", I think of the times Jade slept on the back porch and when morning came and I opened the door, she would be covered with inches of snow with that look like "what, I am loving this".  I trained her to be a "Therapy Dog" so I could take her to hospitals, schools and nursing homes and share her love with others.  

Grown up Jade loving the snow

     When I ordered her Therapy Dog vest, she was a mere 56" around the chest and weighed 165 lbs.    Just as I finished the skill training she needed, I found out that she needed to be under the age of 8.  She had just turned eight. This was near the end of Jade's time with us. Jade had thyroid issues her whole life and was getting very sick.  The vet figured she had maybe a year at the most.

     When the city I was living in found out we had three dogs, they ordered me to sell one or put one down.  The law only allowed for 2 dogs in each home.  As I pondered what to do, the only real choice was to look into having Jade "put to sleep".

Ryder, Jade and Zenna

     Mind you, this is a dog that knew me.  Jade knew me very well.  There were countless times that I would sit on the couch trying to figure out a way to commit suicide.  Jade would come over and lay her head on my lap.  Then look at me with those "I Love You" eyes as if to say, "Please don't leave your family and me without you".  Now here I was having to make the choice to help her fall asleep for the last time.

Jades final Oreo

     Jades favorite treat were Oreo's.  She could hear the package open from anywhere in the house. Since this was her favorite treat, I choose to give her a bunch before I drove her to her final resting place.  After over a dozen Oreo's, I gave her a hug and got her excited about going for a ride.  This was a very tough 25 minute ride to the vet.  Once there, the vet allowed Jade and I to spend as much time as needed.  They then took her back and put in the IV and brought her back to the room.

     Jade and I sat and held each other for a few more minutes.  I then gave the vet the "go-ahead" and she began the medication.  Jade was so sick that instead of needing all three medications, she fell asleep and her heart stopped with just the first medication.  She was lifeless in my arms.  But I will never forget the Oreo's or the "Look".  I never thought we would have another dog that would have that affect on me.  And then our "third" dog came along.

Zenna dog number 3 at the time Jade fell asleep

     We got Zenna when we realized Jade was only going to live a few more months.  Zenna is an Olde English Bulldog.  As of this writing she is 3 years old.  Shortly after Jades passing, Zenna began picking up where Jade had left off.  Zenna was a very high spirited fun loving dog.  Bulldogs can be very bullheaded, stubborn and lovable.   Over the course of that past year and a half, there have been many changes in our lives.  Jade passed away.  My wife has started working in California.  I am having to go between Utah and California multiple times within a month.

Zenna cuddling

     Zenna began to know me as Jade knew me.  She would cuddle up when I was not doing well. Zenna would come and want to play when I was not wanting to do anything.  Zenna accompanied me on many of the trips to and from our home in Utah and my wives apartment in San Diego.  I got to where I learned where Zenna liked to stop and take a break from the long hours in the car.  Zenna also loved my wife and was very protective of her.

Zennas favorite cuddle position

     Zenna had the same look in her eyes when she would cuddle up next to me.  She had that "Please don't leave your family and me behind" look just as Jade did.  While I was in Utah one week in October, Zenna was startled by a painter in the complex my wife lives in.  Zenna was trying to protect my wife.  Zenna bit the painter.  Being in California, the best option was to try to sell Zenna before the state of California got involved.  By the end of October we had a family in Utah that was a perfect fit for our beloved Zenna.

Last hug

     With my wife working full time, I got the opportunity to drive Zenna back to Utah to sell her.  The night I left, my wife held and squeezed Zenna nearly to death.  I had to fight back tears.  I had to drive all night to be able to meet the family the next morning at 9 a.m.  I felt bad for my wife since Zenna was "Her" dog.

      But the 15 hour drive all night and the stops and breaks I took with Zenna nearly broke my heart.  Literally.  I met up with the family and spent an hour with the father.  Zenna loved the father.  She loved the yard and her ability to just run and run and run and, well you get the idea.  But losing Zenna was just as difficult if not a little more difficult than losing Jade.  As I left, Zenna sat out on the porch with me.  The new owner called her inside.  She went inside.  Zenna the looked outside and saw me sitting there.  She looked confused and sad.  I sat there for almost 10 minutes after the door was shut.  I cried.  I then walked back to the car I had just spent  the final 15 hours with Zenna.  Even harder is the knowledge that Zenna is still alive and well.  And here I sit writing about how this affected me.

What does this all mean?

     I have spoken of setting markers.  Having to get rid of a second dog that had become quite literally a companion dog that knew when I needed her love, completely threw me off my game.  Thanksgiving and Christmas and December 29th have long been markers for me(see Setting Markers).  Being thrown off my game, I started having real issues with my depression.  Dreams started involving committing suicide.  During the night these dreams were so bad I was only able to get an hour of sleep, if I was lucky.  During the days I was unable to get additional rest.  I often lost sight of my usual way of dealing with life. 

     My usual meditation practices were disrupted.  I felt alone and unable to express what I was going through.  I didn't even really know what was behind my break down.  I still have many trips to and from Utah and San Diego.  With almost every trip, I see the places I stopped with Zenna and played just to spend a few extra minutes with her.  Seeing these still breaks my heart.  

     As I gather my thoughts and reorganize my life, I will be further writing about some of the other issues that added to my difficult journey through the month of December.  I did not realize how much this affected me.  I have long thought of putting together an organization that would match PTSD, TBI, and other veterans from the recent wars with trained dogs from local shelters.  I have long known about the impact dogs can have on a "mental" veteran.  As I have sat and thought about the past 3 months, I am further convinced that dogs and other animals can have a huge and positive affect on our veterans.  

     I honestly pray that by my sharing my thoughts and struggles with the many who read the blogs I post, that there will those who will gain a new perspective on their depression, PTSD, TBI, and the many other invisible illnesses that veterans suffer with.  

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

But there will be times when we set markers and do not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.

Seek the positive. 

Live for the positive. 

It will come. 

You can feel it. 

Set your first marker today!

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org