Ways I find things that are helpful

Facebook

Seriously.  Some of the best things I have found have been through social media.  Mostly Facebook and Google.  

Over the years I have gone through 20+ years of counseling through the VA.  25+ medications.  Shock Therapy.  Now I am in medical retirement at 100%.  I have been in medical retirement since April 1, 2011.  I never thought I would find the kind of support I have through social media.

On Facebook I have found  many friends who have been through the same trials I have gone through.  All you need to do on Facebook is search Veteran.  There are hundreds of pages that are out there to help veterans with PTSD, TBI, Depression, Wounded Warrior, Stop Soldier Suicide.  Literally hundreds of pages to connect with other veterans.  If you are feeling suicidal please go to the bottom of the page and call the national hotline.  

For your next search on Facebook search Veterans Suicide.  There are dozens of pages that are out there to help.  Next search Soldier suicide.  Again, there are pages out there that are for our help and have outreach programs.  One of the best searches is Veterans Community.  You will find Marine, Navy, Army, Air Force and Coast Guard community pages.  American Legion, VFW, DAV and many other agencies that can assist in finding you the help you need and/or want.

Through searches like these and talking with the members and friends of the many pages I have found, I have become great friends with other families.  I find it very helpful to associate with families that have lost a husband, wife, child or a grandparent to suicide.  Why you might ask?  In talking with these families, I find strength to stay alive.  I do not want to cause those kind of wounds for my family.  Even if it means some days I sleep in bed.  I am still alive. 

Another resource I have found helpful has been the VA.  When I go to the Mental Health building at my VA, they actually have a billboard full of activities and events to help veterans.  Fishing retreats, boating events, meditation classes, yoga classes, art training, along with many other events.  Things that help veterans get out of the house and be involved with others.  As you look around at your local VA, if you can not find a billboard with activities, ask the receptionist.  I have yet to go into a VA that does not have activities that can help us veterans in many ways. 

Service/Therapy dogs are a great benefit to veterans.  There are many studies that show dogs are much better than years of drugs. Search pages on Facebook for veterans dogs.  Many will help you teach your own dog, or teach a dog for you.  Again there are many pages that are out there to help you!  I hope you have seen this video before.  But it shows the power that a therapy, service, or companion dog can be.  You can find many trainers in your area through Google or Facebook.

Therapy Dogs and their value

I love art, both painting and drawing.  As Bob Ross often said, "There are no mistakes, just happy accidents."  Art gets your mind active in a way that, for me, the depression slips away and I feel like I am creating my own world.  Which I am.  But even though I do make mistakes, the art still looks good. And my time was spent doing something I enjoy doing.  Through either Facebook or Google, I have found painting classes near me that are inexpensive and sometimes free for veterans.  This lighthouse was only my fourth painting.

As you have time, search for things that you like.  There are many activities.  Fishing, riding horses, pottery, hiking, wood working, painting, training dogs, walking dogs for other veterans, talking with veterans in Facebook community pages that have lost family members.  

I honestly pray that by sharing my thoughts and struggles with the many who read my blog posts, that there will be those who will gain a new perspective on their depression, PTSD, TBI, and the many other invisible illnesses that veterans suffer with.  

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

There will be times we set markers and do not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.

Seek the positive. 

Live for the positive.

It will come. 

You can feel it.

Set another marker today!

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org

some Facebook page suggestions:

Stop Soldier Suicide

Spartyka Foundation

Veteran Vision Project

Veterans to Christ

Madison Rising

Veterans Moving Forward

Bootstrap Stress Management

Pin-Ups for Vets

Faces of Veterans Success

PTSD Hope

OIF Veterans and Families

Unconventional Military Art

Love Your Veterans

Andrew R. Jones, Marine Corp Combat Veteran

Mike Ritland

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS)

Man, do I have a lot of imperfections!

Have you ever done something.  Finished it.  Then looked back on it and all you can see are the mistakes, the imperfections, and the faults in what you see, looking backwards.

Let's take this painting I did as an example.  When I finished it all I could see were the mistakes I made.  I only have vision in my left eye.  I am 90% blind in my right eye.  I have no depth perception.  I wear a patch on my glasses to keep the "light" from interfering with my left eye and causing headaches.  So at times when delicate brush strokes are needed, it can be quite difficult with no depth perception.  So I see my mistakes.  I followed the artist Wilson Bickford's "How to Paint a Mono Chromatic Lighthouse".  I made a ton of mistakes.

I can tell where I missed lining in the lighthouse.  I can see where I did not get quite enough depth in the fields leading up to the lighthouse.  I can see where the bird in the fog is a little big for how far back it is in the painting.  I can see how I didn't get the brush stoke placed properly for the light coming out of the top.  It took me a couple of days to finish this painting with all the mistakes I made. I could go on about more mistakes that I think I made.

However, when I posted it online for family and friends to see, I was shocked at how many people "liked" my painting.  A couple of my friends are teachers in this type of painting.  They loved my version of this painting.  Many commented on how cool it was that I added a bi-plane into the fog.  People saw a great painting and told me how much potential I must have.  Some thought I have been painting for a while.  Little do they know that this is only my fourth actual oil painting. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked for some thoughts on a lesson one of my family members was going to give on the following Sunday.  The topic was about doing our best and can we "overshoot" the mark in church service.  After a little thought I sent him the following text:

Only one person "overshot" the mark.  Christ.  Without his mercy and love we can not make it back to our Heavenly Father's kingdom. We can only do our best with the life we have.  Christ's salvation is what covers the gap between good, better, best.  We all need our Saviors love and salvation to compensate for lack of hitting the mark.   Too many times in Christian culture,  good is not good enough, better is still missing the mark,  best always has room for improvement.  When in reality our Savior is what brings us to the "mark".  Regardless of where we are in our effort to hit the mark,  we fall short.   It was Heavenly  Father's plan that Christ make up the difference with His crucifixion.  In many of the churches I would attend bible study on Wednesday night during my mission, they taught we all make it to heaven by Christ's grace regardless of our good, better, best.  The pastor would make it to heaven with a life of service.  The drunk who just stopped drinking and now praises God then dies gets the same heaven the pastor gets. Christ's love covers that gap.  Yes our service to others helps us and others.  Being better helps us and others.  But being who we are and believing in Christ's grace and mercy is what saves us in the end.

What I suggested to my family member was that we should not look at what we do wrong.  We should look forward.  Looking back only shows us our mistakes and faults.  Looking forward gives us hope of doing better.  Looking forward gives us a reason and purpose to move forward.  Like with my paintings.  I love to try to put my thoughts and pictures onto canvas and paper whether with painting, colored pencils or just graphite pencils.  

Those of us who have mental illnesses tend to look at what has been.  Looking backward at our mistakes.  Focusing on the what has been.  Similar to my seeing all the mistakes I made on the painting above and the other pictures I have put up this page.  I could use those mistakes as an excuse to not try any more.  Painting and drawing are something I enjoy doing.  

Whether or not you believe in Christ, we need to find a way to look forward.  We need to find a way to replace the "mistakes" with thoughts and beliefs that will help us move forward.  

As I have thought about what to write this past month, all I could think about were the bad things that have happened with my life.  

Do I think about the 79 medical procedures that I have been through and the terrible health I have.  

Or, do I think about the beauty of my family and the marvelous blessing it is to have a wife, 5 kids, 2 son-in-laws, and almost 3 grandchildren.

Do I think about the depression and the suicidal thoughts and plans I have most days.

Or, do I think about holding my wife's hand and enjoying time with our children and grandchildren.

Do I think about all the mistakes I made on only the fourth painting I have done and never paint again.

Or, do I look forward to spending another day with paints or pencils and creating something that many will think was done by someone with a bunch of talent.  

I have been amazed the past week as I have contemplated the painting mistakes and the way others view my painting.  It is the same with life.  I meditate each day.  I try to not think about the past, or about the depression.  I can not make the bad thoughts and mistakes go away.  But I can refocus through prayer, meditation and contemplation and move my thoughts back to good things.  I can think about all the praises I received on my painting.  I can, if I choose.

Do I look at the mistakes in these pictures.  Or, do I look at the cool way in which I was able to blend colors and patterns so that actual birds can be seen flying.  

The choice is OURS!

I honestly pray that by sharing my thoughts and struggles with the many who read my blog posts, that there will be those who will gain a new perspective on their depression, PTSD, TBI, and the many other invisible illnesses that veterans suffer with.  

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

There will be times we set markers and do not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.

Seek the positive. 

Live for the positive.

It will come. 

You can feel it.

Set another marker today!

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org

For reference here is the WPBS link to Wilson Bickford's painting show.  http://watch.wpbstv.org/program/wpbs/episodes/

What Companions dogs can do to help

It has been a while.

Pets can change your life.

     When I began this blogging adventure, I was committed to writing every other week.  A couple of times I wrote each week.  But I felt the need and desire to share my continuing struggle with severe chronic depression and suicidal issues.  I still feel the best way to do this is through writing about things that help, struggles as they arise, and letting family and friends know how much I have appreciated the support, love and caring they have shown me.  

     When I came across some serious issues at the end of October and moving into November last year, I was not sure what I was going to write about come December.  Nor did I know how to convey the struggles I have been, and am going through.  I began my blogging journey about 2 weeks after one of the hardest 15 hours of my life - loss of a second companion dog.  I have not mentioned it in prior blogs.  I did not think it would start the downward spiral that I have been on over the past three months.  It has had a very serious affect on me. 

Losing a Companion dog (Twice in a little over 1 year)

Puppy Jade

     Years ago our family bought a Giant Alaskan Malamute.  My son chose the name Jade because she was such a jewel to the family.  Little did I know how she would have such a powerful affect on my life.  Here is a picture of Jade doing what she loved best: laying down in snow and not moving.  When people say, "Never leave a dog outside in the cold", I think of the times Jade slept on the back porch and when morning came and I opened the door, she would be covered with inches of snow with that look like "what, I am loving this".  I trained her to be a "Therapy Dog" so I could take her to hospitals, schools and nursing homes and share her love with others.  

Grown up Jade loving the snow

     When I ordered her Therapy Dog vest, she was a mere 56" around the chest and weighed 165 lbs.    Just as I finished the skill training she needed, I found out that she needed to be under the age of 8.  She had just turned eight. This was near the end of Jade's time with us. Jade had thyroid issues her whole life and was getting very sick.  The vet figured she had maybe a year at the most.

     When the city I was living in found out we had three dogs, they ordered me to sell one or put one down.  The law only allowed for 2 dogs in each home.  As I pondered what to do, the only real choice was to look into having Jade "put to sleep".

Ryder, Jade and Zenna

     Mind you, this is a dog that knew me.  Jade knew me very well.  There were countless times that I would sit on the couch trying to figure out a way to commit suicide.  Jade would come over and lay her head on my lap.  Then look at me with those "I Love You" eyes as if to say, "Please don't leave your family and me without you".  Now here I was having to make the choice to help her fall asleep for the last time.

Jades final Oreo

     Jades favorite treat were Oreo's.  She could hear the package open from anywhere in the house. Since this was her favorite treat, I choose to give her a bunch before I drove her to her final resting place.  After over a dozen Oreo's, I gave her a hug and got her excited about going for a ride.  This was a very tough 25 minute ride to the vet.  Once there, the vet allowed Jade and I to spend as much time as needed.  They then took her back and put in the IV and brought her back to the room.

     Jade and I sat and held each other for a few more minutes.  I then gave the vet the "go-ahead" and she began the medication.  Jade was so sick that instead of needing all three medications, she fell asleep and her heart stopped with just the first medication.  She was lifeless in my arms.  But I will never forget the Oreo's or the "Look".  I never thought we would have another dog that would have that affect on me.  And then our "third" dog came along.

Zenna dog number 3 at the time Jade fell asleep

     We got Zenna when we realized Jade was only going to live a few more months.  Zenna is an Olde English Bulldog.  As of this writing she is 3 years old.  Shortly after Jades passing, Zenna began picking up where Jade had left off.  Zenna was a very high spirited fun loving dog.  Bulldogs can be very bullheaded, stubborn and lovable.   Over the course of that past year and a half, there have been many changes in our lives.  Jade passed away.  My wife has started working in California.  I am having to go between Utah and California multiple times within a month.

Zenna cuddling

     Zenna began to know me as Jade knew me.  She would cuddle up when I was not doing well. Zenna would come and want to play when I was not wanting to do anything.  Zenna accompanied me on many of the trips to and from our home in Utah and my wives apartment in San Diego.  I got to where I learned where Zenna liked to stop and take a break from the long hours in the car.  Zenna also loved my wife and was very protective of her.

Zennas favorite cuddle position

     Zenna had the same look in her eyes when she would cuddle up next to me.  She had that "Please don't leave your family and me behind" look just as Jade did.  While I was in Utah one week in October, Zenna was startled by a painter in the complex my wife lives in.  Zenna was trying to protect my wife.  Zenna bit the painter.  Being in California, the best option was to try to sell Zenna before the state of California got involved.  By the end of October we had a family in Utah that was a perfect fit for our beloved Zenna.

Last hug

     With my wife working full time, I got the opportunity to drive Zenna back to Utah to sell her.  The night I left, my wife held and squeezed Zenna nearly to death.  I had to fight back tears.  I had to drive all night to be able to meet the family the next morning at 9 a.m.  I felt bad for my wife since Zenna was "Her" dog.

      But the 15 hour drive all night and the stops and breaks I took with Zenna nearly broke my heart.  Literally.  I met up with the family and spent an hour with the father.  Zenna loved the father.  She loved the yard and her ability to just run and run and run and, well you get the idea.  But losing Zenna was just as difficult if not a little more difficult than losing Jade.  As I left, Zenna sat out on the porch with me.  The new owner called her inside.  She went inside.  Zenna the looked outside and saw me sitting there.  She looked confused and sad.  I sat there for almost 10 minutes after the door was shut.  I cried.  I then walked back to the car I had just spent  the final 15 hours with Zenna.  Even harder is the knowledge that Zenna is still alive and well.  And here I sit writing about how this affected me.

What does this all mean?

     I have spoken of setting markers.  Having to get rid of a second dog that had become quite literally a companion dog that knew when I needed her love, completely threw me off my game.  Thanksgiving and Christmas and December 29th have long been markers for me(see Setting Markers).  Being thrown off my game, I started having real issues with my depression.  Dreams started involving committing suicide.  During the night these dreams were so bad I was only able to get an hour of sleep, if I was lucky.  During the days I was unable to get additional rest.  I often lost sight of my usual way of dealing with life. 

     My usual meditation practices were disrupted.  I felt alone and unable to express what I was going through.  I didn't even really know what was behind my break down.  I still have many trips to and from Utah and San Diego.  With almost every trip, I see the places I stopped with Zenna and played just to spend a few extra minutes with her.  Seeing these still breaks my heart.  

     As I gather my thoughts and reorganize my life, I will be further writing about some of the other issues that added to my difficult journey through the month of December.  I did not realize how much this affected me.  I have long thought of putting together an organization that would match PTSD, TBI, and other veterans from the recent wars with trained dogs from local shelters.  I have long known about the impact dogs can have on a "mental" veteran.  As I have sat and thought about the past 3 months, I am further convinced that dogs and other animals can have a huge and positive affect on our veterans.  

     I honestly pray that by my sharing my thoughts and struggles with the many who read the blogs I post, that there will those who will gain a new perspective on their depression, PTSD, TBI, and the many other invisible illnesses that veterans suffer with.  

There will be peaceful times.

There will be hard times.

But there will be times when we set markers and do not give in to suicide.

I know.

I have felt the pain of not going through with it.

I have felt the joy and happiness of not going through with it.

I have lived both.

I currently live both.

I know the times I have felt peace, far outweigh the negative.

Seek the positive. 

Live for the positive. 

It will come. 

You can feel it. 

Set your first marker today!

National Suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255

Stop Soldier Suicide @ www.stopsoldiersuicide.org